Truth, Lies and Romance

Relationship Survey

2011-05-17T16:31:00.003-05:00

Developing a new survey to help people figure out their relationships. If you have a minute, your effort is appreciated.

Relationship Survey

Financial Infidelity

2011-02-25T09:57:00.001-06:00

Another interesting article on financial infidelity.

Empathy

2009-09-26T12:52:00.001-05:00

Empathy, or concern for others, is critical for maintaining a healthy relationship. Yet a lot of research shows that empathy varies widely from person to person – some individuals are highly concerned about another’s well-being while some people hardly care at all. And an individual’s level of empathy seems to be stable – it doesn’t change over time. Life would probably be much easier if people dated someone who matched their level of empathy. Instead, we seem to pick our partners based on a host of other traits (physical appearance, charisma, chemistry, etc.), only to discover that empathy is what matters in the long run.

Attractiveness and Reproduction

2009-09-14T14:58:00.004-05:00

A new study shows that attractiveness is related to reproductive success. Photos taken of people at age 18 were related to how many children people had later in life. For the most part, more attractive women and men were more likely to reproduce.

The full article can be found here.

The Company We Keep

2009-09-13T09:05:00.006-05:00

We are highly social creatures. Our lives center around our interpersonal relationships and our social groups. We pay attention to who has status, who is kind, and who should be avoided.

Even more fascinating, we mimic the people we like. We mimic their posture, rate of breathing, mannerisms, speech patterns, you name it. So, it should come as no surprise that many of our behaviors from smoking, to drinking, to gaining weight are simply a function of who we know. It is called "social contagion."

The New York Times has an interesting article on the subject:

By analyzing the Framingham data, Christakis and Fowler say, they have for the first time found some solid basis for a potentially powerful theory in epidemiology: that good behaviors — like quitting smoking or staying slender or being happy — pass from friend to friend almost as if they were contagious viruses. The Framingham participants, the data suggested, influenced one another’s health just by socializing. And the same was true of bad behaviors — clusters of friends appeared to “infect” each other with obesity, unhappiness and smoking. Staying healthy isn’t just a matter of your genes and your diet, it seems. Good health is also a product, in part, of your sheer proximity to other healthy people.

I have always had the suspicion that people who cheat on their spouses are friends with other cheaters. I don't have any data to back this up, but given what we know about social contagion and our desire to conform to the norm, it would not surprise me at all.

Cheating Spouse Survey

2008-05-28T23:35:00.004-05:00

If you have EVER cheated on your spouse, complete an online questionnaire and see how your behavior compares with other people who have cheated - cheating spouse survey

If you've NEVER cheated on your spouse, just take a look at the results of men and women who have cheated - view the results

Or you can just view the summary reports about cheating wives and cheating husbands.

What, if anything, stands out about the results?

Facial Symmetry and Attraction

2008-05-10T13:35:00.002-05:00

The preference for facial symmetry is not only a universal human trait, but it is also shared by our closest living relatives. Full story can be found here.

What Females Want

2008-04-06T11:45:00.003-05:00

Tonight, PBS starts airing a two part segment on mating and infidelity across the animal kingdom. The first segment focuses on what females want in a mating partner while the second segment focuses on what males will do to acquire a mate.

If you have any interest in deception and infidelity, this should be an informative and entertaining series to watch.

Honey, if you really loved me, you'd turn on your location-tracking

2008-03-28T13:29:00.005-05:00

Cells phones are coming out with a new feature which will raise some problems for people in close relationships.

These cell phones have GPS tracking technology. With this technology, friends and family members can track each other’s movements on their cell phones.

From a Wall Street Journal article on these spy cells:

The most significant is that cellphone users who sign up can make their whereabouts available only to a network of friend who also buy the service. They can view each others’ location any time, with the proviso that users always can temporarily turn off location-tracking.

With this technology, there is no reason to ask a spouse “Are you still at work?” Just check your phone, it will show you where he or she is (or at least where his or her phone is).

I imagine that many spouses will not want to have their every movement tracked for a variety of reasons, including having an affair.

It should be interesting to see how these conversations play out among couples:

I let you track my movements, so why can’t I track yours?

If you don’t have anything to hide, why don’t you turn on your tracking-location feature?

Clearly, for some couples this issue will be a significant source of conflict and game-playing (getting two phones, one for location-tracking, which always forwards calls to your real location).

How common is infidelity?

2008-03-27T15:12:00.002-05:00

From an article in US News and World Report:

Monogamy worship is leading some experts to think that expectations are exceedingly unrealistic and, probably, hypocritical. "As a society, we are privately more forgiving and publicly often more judgmental...

A link to the article.

Pain of infidelity

2008-03-26T18:03:00.002-05:00

A question from a viewer:

Does the anguish of your beloved cheating come from social expectations or biological imperatives? Or, in other words, if it is so common, why is it so uncommonly painful?

Great question…

Biological imperatives and social expectations work in tandem to influence behavior. Social expectations, which run counter to biological predispositions, won’t get very far (think about trying to get everyone to walk on their hands… it can be done, but we are predisposed to walk on our feet). Likewise, biological predispositions, which are not implicitly reinforced through social or cultural norms, have little chance of being expressed.

Lasting behavior requires both biological tendencies and social expectations.

When it comes to discovering an unfaithful mate, both biology and social norms work together to create tremendous pain. This pain is designed to punish a partner for cheating – to instill consequences for being unfaithful. Without this pain (and the punishment it implies), partners would be much more likely to cheat. And cheating partners are more likely to spend their time, energy and resources elsewhere – outside of the relationship. If we didn’t try to influence how our partners invested their resources, everything about being human would change – including who we find attractive, how we form attachments, and how we raise our offspring.

In short, it is in one’s interest to have a faithful mate; an interest which is part of our biological make-up and is readily expressed through our social norms.

Cultural take on infidelity

2008-03-26T11:33:00.002-05:00

Reactions to infidelity in the US as compared with other cultures:

But American D-Days are even worse because we have such improbably high standards for marriage. If your spouse cheats, you’ve been living a lie. Americans describing their D-Day experiences say that they weren’t just shocked, jealous and profoundly upset, but that their whole view of the world had collapsed. “It robs you of your past,” one husband said. “What is real? What is fake?”
We Americans are particularly preoccupied with honesty. We’re the only country that peddles the idea that “It’s not the sex, it’s the lying.” (In France, it’s not the lying, it’s the sex.) America is also the only place I found that has a one-strike rule on fidelity: if someone cheats, the marriage is kaput.

The entire article from the New York Times.

False sense of security

2008-03-26T09:22:00.005-05:00

Public scandals about infidelity undoubtedly lead many couples to discuss the importance of being faithful. For the most part, such discussions are designed to put a partner's mind at ease.

These conversations, however, can be somewhat problematic because partners, who cheat, often provide the exact same reassurances as spouses who are truly faithful - "I love you, I'm so glad were together, I would never cheat on you..."

A spouse who is willing to betray their partner's trust by cheating, is also willing to lie about it. Lying and cheating go hand-in-hand.

Getting some type of verbal reassurance feels good, but it both cheaters and faithful spouses provide it.

Related Article:

New York sex scandals provoke discussion among couples

Fiancial Fidelity

2007-11-01T09:29:00.000-05:00

When people think of infidelity, they typically think of sexual monogamy.

However, there are many different ways to betray a loved one. For better or worse, people conceal many things from their romantic partners.

One of the big issues, which causes couples a lot of problems, deals with financial fidelity. That is, being responsible to another person for one's financial decisions.

Many couples think relationships are about love, sex and companionship, but fail to take into account the financial obligations that come along with getting married.

Just this week, TheStreet.com posted a great article on the financial "I do's for newlyweds."

Where were you?

2007-10-23T06:18:00.000-05:00

According to an article in the New York Times, a majority of cell phones on the market today now allow a user to be monitored using GPS tracking.

Is your spouse truly stuck in traffic?
or
Is your friend really running late for dinner?

Thanks to GPS tracking devices embedded in cell phones, you can now see (monitor) exactly where your friends and loved ones are at all times.

Luckily, the technology allows individuals to determine who can track their movements. Add your friends to the list of people who can track your location, but block your mom from doing so.

However, how do you explain to your new romantic interest that you don't necessarily feel like being tracked?

I have a feeling that this new technology will not only lead to the loss of privacy, but it will also add another wrinkle to the dating scene.

If you didn't like dealing with questions such as "where were you?" - how much more fun will it be to deal with the following: "If you have nothing to hide, why don't you add me to your track list?"

Related Articles:

Using GPS devices to track the elderly, children, and bank robbers...

What's the gossip all about?

2007-10-16T06:51:00.000-05:00

A new study on the role of gossip was just published in the Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences. A reader friendly description of the study was also published at LiveScience.

The key finding: gossip has a powerful impact on our perception... we tend to believe what we hear about others.

While people downplay the role of gossip ("I hate gossip"), it actually serves a very important function. Without gossip, which everyone does from time to time, cooperation and group living would be impossible.

When animals live in groups, some system for maintaining a hierarchy and social accountability is required. In humans, gossiping allows us to maintain and establish "reputation effects" - making social life possible.

As everyone knows, gossiping isn't always accurate, but without a system for identifying loafers and cheaters - trust could easily be exploited making cooperation impossible to achieve.

What are the topics we are most likely to gossip about? Taking advantage of others, cheating, not playing by the rules, and sexual behavior. Just the really important things in life.

And if your interested in reading more about gossip, the New York Times has a great article on the topic.

It's ok to play the game, as long as you don't get caught

2007-10-14T18:05:00.000-05:00

Reading the papers in the past few weeks has been very interesting.

To begin with, an article in the New York Times covered the story of a 25 year old, “spectacularly beautiful” woman, who posted an ad on Craigslist looking for a husband who made at least $500,000 a year, because “$250,000 won’t get me to Central Park West.”

As her ad gained attention online, one gentleman responded to the economic exchange underlying her ad (i.e., let’s swap my good looks for your money) by pointing out that her proposal was inequitable. To quote: “In economic terms, you are a depreciating asset and I am an earning asset…. Your looks will fade and my money will likely continue into perpetuity.”

In many people’s eyes, neither one of the two came off looking very good. For the most part, the woman was viewed as being a “gold digger” while he was viewed as being “sexist.”

On the other hand, there was little reaction to another article in the New York Times which conveyed the same message, but in a much more subtle manner. This article describes the growing problem of women in their early 20s who are making more money than the men they are dating. According to the article, a disparity in income is a problem for couples when women earn more than their boyfriends.

Finally, an article in the Las Vegas Sun describes a new study which shows that strippers earn significantly more money when they are ovulating than at any other time during the month. Apparently, women somehow signal their fertility which causes men to compete for their attention by offering up more of their cold-hard cash.

What’s the point of these stories, if there is one? There is always element of exchange underlying our attraction to each other. But, being explicit about it doesn’t make you more attractive to others.

Interesting Blog on the Experience of Infidelity and Divorce

2007-10-05T13:47:00.001-05:00

I ran across an interesting blog for women who are going through the experience of divorce.

The purpose of the blog, the divorce darlings, is to provide a creative outlet for anyone who has gone through, or is going through, or might go through the complicated experience that is divorce.

I think that reading the divorce darlings would also be useful for people who are going through the experience of getting engaged. Unfortunately, people who tend to idealize romance, love and marriage, often end up broken hearted.

Holding realistic expectations about relationships, tends to make them more bearable.

Words Can Wound...

2007-10-02T15:16:00.000-05:00

A study reported in the New York Times today identifies some of the physical costs associated with fighting. While everyone knows that conflict can be emotionally draining and that it can take a toll on one’s relationship, researchers are beginning to identify some of the health issues involved.

Consistent with research on conflict in marriage – it’s not the topics discussed or the amount of conflict which causes the most problems. Most of the outcomes are tied to the way couples interact with each other while arguing. Hostility, criticism and defensiveness are the real culprits – leading to shorter lifespans and increased risk of heart disease.

Resolving conflict effectively requires learning how to express one’s feelings while also making sure that one’s partner feels understood. Some tips for communicating more effectively can be found here.

Born to Cheat....

2007-10-01T11:33:00.000-05:00

Just ran across an interesting article in The Age this morning. The article explains the link between personality differences and an individual's willingness to cheat.

Essentially, people, who have an avoidant (or dismissing) style of attachment and a game playing style of love (ludus), are more likely to cheat (see, previous post for more information on love and attachment).

While these findings are intuitive, the article still makes for an interesting read: Some of us are are born to stray, research finds.

Back From Summer Break....

2007-10-01T11:27:00.000-05:00

Thanks for everyone's comments... I take summers off, but I'm back now.

Intentionally Mixing Love and Work

2007-06-01T09:38:00.000-05:00

Close relationships, which provide support and understanding, are important in all aspects of life. For instance, people with few close connections encounter more anxiety, stress, and health problems. In fact, people with fewer close relationships have shorter life spans and report a lower quality of life.

Being close to someone else, however, does not guarantee benefits. It is not only important to have a close relationship, but the right type of relationship as well - relationships where people feel cared for, understood, and supported.

As such, it should come as no surprise that a growing number of companies are beginning to realize that personal issues impact productivity at work. An article in the Wall Street Journal highlights how companies are beginning to offer workshops and courses to help people manage their personal relationships away from work. People with quality relationships outside of work, make better employees at work.

To me, such an approach makes a lot of sense. I seem to spend a lot of time at work listening to my colleagues complain about their personal problems, rather than work related issues. Trying to separate the two doesn't always seem to work. So, perhaps providing some type of support for people with relationship problems is the right thing for employees to do.

Great Article on Lying

2007-04-23T10:40:00.000-05:00

The Guardian posted an article on lying over the weekend which contains a great quote about detecting deception:

"The results are clear. Liars are just as likely as truth-tellers to look you in the eye, they don't move their hands around nervously and they don't shift about in their seats (if anything, they are a little more static than truth-tellers). People fail to detect lies because they are basing their opinions on behaviours that are not actually associated with deception."

The entire article can be found here and it highlights many of the problems people encounter when trying to detect deception.

Survey Results on Infidelity

2007-04-17T16:15:00.000-05:00

A new survey on infidelity shows some interesting results. Msnbc and Ivillage just released their survey results on cheating and among the findings:

Roughly 50% of men and women have cheated at one time or another, but only about a quarter have cheated in their current relationship.
Most people get away with cheating; most partners never discover the truth and few people confess to cheating.
Men are more likely to cheat for sexual satisfaction and diversity, while women are more likely to report emotional reasons for cheating.

All of the survey results can be found here.

Morals about Infidelity are Relative

2007-04-06T10:31:00.000-05:00

Are moral standards relative?

I think most people would like to think that their morals are absolute, something is right or wrong, end of story.

But, more often than not, I think our morals are driven by our self-interest. How does someone's behavior impact me? If someone's behavior has a negative impact on me, it's wrong. But, if their behavior doesn't necessarily have a negative impact on me, then our judgments can be more nuanced.

Case in point, CBS just published a story about infidelity by presidential candidates. It seems like people are willing to overlook a politician's infidelity and cheating, as long as people perceive that the candidate in question has the public's interest at heart. People do not necessarily care that a politician may have cheated on a spouse, but what's in it for me?

When people do us harm, it is wrong. When people try to help us, but cause harm to others, we tend to become more morally flexible.

I also believe that when people are very morally outraged, it may not reflect as much on their moral standards, but that they can not calculate any benefit for themselves by forgiving the person who may have done something wrong.

When Good People Do Bad Things....

2007-04-03T00:23:00.000-05:00

People, who have been hurt in a relationship, often wonder how someone they love could treat them so poorly.

I think that most callous behavior is driven by one of two explanations.

To begin with, some people are just naturally more selfish and self-centered. Some people have little empathy or respect for another person's feelings... it's all about what they want. Such individuals are often very manipulative and underhanded when it comes to love and romance. The website, lovefraud, does a great job of trying to explain such behavior.

The other explanation is probably more troubling, because it can be harder to understand.

People, who are basically empathetic and caring, can behave the same as individuals who have little regard for other people's feelings. Social science research has consistently shown that good people can do great harm when placed in wrong situation. In particular, the work of Stanley Milgram and Philip Zimbardo demonstrates how most people can be led to cause others unimaginable harm. Dr. Zimbardo discusses this phenomenon in an interview in the New York Times today. It is a must read if you want to understand how easily negative behavior can be brought about.

And when close relationships become marked by competition rather than cooperation, the same holds true - decent people can do awful things to each other.

Unfortunately, the harm done by relatively decent people probably hurts more profoundly than the harm done by more self-centered individuals. People expect selfish people to behave poorly, but when hurt comes from unexpected sources it can have a greater impact.

Infidelity American Style

2007-03-22T11:10:00.000-05:00

Is infidelity the end-of-the-road or just a bump-in-the-road for married couples?

According to an article posted on Msn, it all depends where you live.

Americans tend to be the most idealistic (unrealistic) when it comes to issues of love and romance, while the rest of the world tends to take a more lazie faire approach (get the pun?).

According to the article:

Russians treat infidelity as a benign vice - like cigars and scotch (scotch? I would have said vodka).
Japanese commercialize affairs through sex clubs.
The French prize discretion over fidelity.

It's a great article and it reinforces the idea that perhaps our expectations about love and romance have gotten out of line.

Anyway, a big thanks to my online friend, and fellow blogger, at Eyes for Lies for sending this one my way!

Boulder

2007-03-22T00:42:00.000-05:00

Principle of Least Interest

2007-03-20T17:46:00.000-05:00

A friend of mine is in trouble…

She is terribly in love with her boyfriend, but he is less in love with her.

And this sets up a terrible dynamic in their relationship.

Because he doesn’t care as much as she does, he has tremendous power over her. He dictates most of what happens in her life… She willingly submits to this because she wants his love more than he wants hers in return.

And the more she tries to please him, the more of herself she loses to the relationship, and the less happy she becomes because she gets so little in return, so she tries harder to please him.

Of course, from his perspective, things are great. The less he gives, the more she tries to make him happy. What a deal.

The principle of least interest at work: The person who cares the least about a relationship has considerable power over the person who cares the most.

Ironic and sad.

We Never Escape The Past

2007-03-20T10:58:00.000-05:00

The New York Times published a great article today on the similarities between human moral reasoning and chimpanzee behavior.

Our ability to empathize, give care, and our desire for fairness can also be found in our closest living relative.

To me, this illustrates how patterns of social interaction have a deep evolutionary history.

If you are interested in reading more about how evolution has shaped the way we think, reason and behave, the following website is a great place to start - Evolutionary Psychology: A Primer.

Looking at the world this way, helps me realize that my own thoughts, feelings and actions, especially when it comes to love and romance, aren't very novel - people have been behaving this way for millions of years (see, Do Things Ever Change?).

There is something comforting in the realization that my feelings are not really my own. My thoughts and feelings have been around for a long time and they will continue to exist when I'm gone.

It's just cool that I get to experience them for a little while right now.

Preventative Relationship Maintenance Workshops

2007-03-20T00:53:00.000-05:00

This one made me laugh out loud!

Several counties in Florida are starting relationship classes, costing 5.5 million dollars, to help build healthy marriages. These programs are being billed as a preventative measure to help couples succeed - a modern approach to love.

What's so funny about trying to teach people about relationships with the hope that couples will get along better?

I admire the goal, but I question how effective these workshops will be.

Our close relationships are enormously complex, emotionally driven, and much of our behavior has been shaped by millions of years of human evolution.

Will sitting in a relationship class have much of a lasting impact?

Of course, knowledge helps solve problems. But knowledge isn't the answer, it's only part of the answer.

Romantic relationships are influenced by our early, childhood experiences with our caregivers, personality characteristics, cultural backgrounds, and our innate, instinctual responses to situations (e.g., jealousy, love, attachment), just to name a few.

Many couples struggle to get along, even after extensive, hands-on counseling. And it is quite possible that some relationships are just not meant to be.

Personally, I think these workshops will help couples who are already headed for success... but, I doubt that they will have much of an impact on couples who are headed for trouble.

Want to know why I really don't think that these workshops will be of much help?

Just spend a little time around "relationship experts" - people who have their PhDs on the topic (like me). It can be an eye-opening experience... kinda of like discovering a plumber who has leaky faucets throughout his (or her) house.

The relationship between "knowing something" and "doing it" is never very straightforward, but especially so when it comes to love.

Too Much Infidelity?

2007-03-17T13:21:00.000-05:00

It looks like 2007 is shaping up to be the "Year of Infidelity."

An article was just published in the Christian Science Monitor about how the upcoming Presidential Race will focus on family issues, including allegations of infidelity. A quote from the article:

"Journalists get very, very tired of hearing the issue speeches over and over again," says Bruce Gronbeck, a professor of communication studies at the University of Iowa. Covering candidates' divorces and marriages and children "fits into the great American political culture, where the personal is political."

Two new movies have just been released which have infidelity as underlying themes:

Premonition - a link to a review of the film.
I Think I Love My Wife - a link to the official website.

And Warner Brothers recently announced that they bought the movie rights for the following book:

The Infidelity Diet - a story about a couple of overweight husbands who go on a diet. The incentive? Whoever loses the most weight has his wife's permission to sleep with a prostitute. How charming.

Personally, I think the subject of infidelity is fascinating.

To me at least, the subject of infidelity reveals a lot about the complexity of our emotions, how we don't always understand our intentions, how people manage the tension between intimacy and individuality, how our beliefs do not always correspond to our behavior...

For someone like me, who studies relationships, infidelity provides a very unique opportunity to see how things work (see, Rules About Love).

I know most people don't approach the subject this way. Most people approach infidelity as the victim of it, which is anything but fascinating.

Given my interest in the topic as an academic, I don't know if I'm alone on this - but I don't want to spend my downtime watching political debates, or going to movies, or reading books where infidelity is the underlying theme...

Do people really want to spend their free time this way?

Test Your Knowledge About Lying

2007-03-14T05:14:00.000-05:00

Here is a really quick quiz to see how much you know about lying and deception.

For the most part, I thought the answers provided were right on the mark, although I probably would have framed two of the answers differently.

If you want to take the quiz, do so now before reading my comments.

My Comments:

When it comes to the difference between children and adults, there are some similarities and differences. Yes, young children have a more difficult time distinguishing between imagination and reality. But, adults and children are both likely to lie to avoid punishment. However, adults are better at lying to avoid hurting other people's feelings, whereas young children tend to be much more honest.

And with respect to sex differences and lying - yes, men and women are much more similar than different. But, when it comes to relationships, men are more likely to lie than women. Men are much more likely to lie because men tend to be higher risk-takers. People, who are risk-aversive, tend to lie less often. Risk-aversive individuals are more cautious and, therefore, they have a lot less things to lie about. Risk-aversive individuals are also much more fearful about telling lies.

Hypocrisy

2007-03-10T20:43:00.000-06:00

Newt Gingrich, the former Speaker of the House of Representatives, recently admitted he was having an affair while also leading the effort to impeach President Clinton for lying under oath about his sexual relationship with Monica Lewinsky.

Newt was quick to point out the difference between President Clinton's and his situation: Newt was committing infidelity, not perjury.

Regardless of how one feels about this situation, I think that there is something to learn from it. Despite being wonderfully rational, we are still creatures of our emotions. When thinking about human behavior, the power of emotion tends to trump logic.

Infidelity is rarely a wise and rational choice, but it is often driven by one's emotions: sexual desire and/or feelings of love.

And hypocrisy, by definition, is always illogical - applying standards, but not in a consistent manner.

But, hypocrisy makes much more sense when you look at the emotions that drive such behavior: The desire for control and power, often mixed with the desire to avoid punishment. These emotions are directly related to one of the most basic distinctions underlying life: reward and punishment.

When viewed this way, it's no wonder that hypocritical behavior is so common and widespread. Not everyone has been unfaith to a spouse, but who hasn't been a hypocrite recently?

In this light, is it any wonder that Newt took the stance that he did? Did people assume that Newt would forego a chance at power, but seek out punishment instead? I'm not trying to justify Newt's behavior, just frame it in a different light.

And this leads me to a question that a viewer asked me this week: She caught her husband cheating, but she doesn't understand why he won't admit to it. The answer is often very simple. If admitting the truth is tied directly to punishment, there can be a strong emotional desire to create confusion and doubt.

Telling the truth is easy when there is nothing to lose.

More on Love, Sexual Desire and Attachment

2007-03-08T08:43:00.000-06:00

Fantastic interview with Helen Fisher, a scholar noted for studying the biology of love, was published yesterday in the Orange County Register.

The article focuses on the experience of falling in love and why people cheat, highlighting the differences between sexual desire, romantic love and attachment.

You can find a link to the article here.

Time to Separate?

2007-03-04T08:55:00.000-06:00

An article in the Montgomery Advisory does a good job of highlighting the issues couples should consider as they decide to stay together or separate. The advise given is based on well-supported research.

Some of the issues couples should consider:

The amount of negativity couples express toward each other.
Equity when it comes to doing the work that needs to get done.
Mutual respect and consideration each other's point of view.
A lack of fun or enjoyment in being together.

The entire article can be found here... And for more articles on the same topic - Questions Couples Should Consider...

Hawaii

2007-03-03T11:27:00.000-06:00

Online Quizzes on Lying, Love and Romance

2007-02-28T23:11:00.000-06:00

The TruthAboutDeception.com has recently added several online quizzes dealing with lying, cheating, love and romance.

These quizzes, however, are probably more useful in terms of raising issues rather than being informative as participation is based on self-selection. For what it's worth, these quizzes do allow respondents to compare their answers with other people who have completed the survey.

Here is a listing of these online quizzes:

Relationship Quality Questionnaire - See how your relationship compares to other relationships.
Compulsive Lying Quiz - Answer some questions about lying and see how you compare with other people.
Lies Lovers Tell Quiz - What issues do men and women lie about in romantic relationships.

An Interesting News Story and Book Excerpt on Infidelity

2007-02-27T13:35:00.000-06:00

Two short and interesting articles dealing with infidelity and betrayal:

An interesting article on the Alibi Network - a company which will go to elaborate lengths, for a small fee, to help you skip work or cheat on your spouse.
An excerpt from Mr. Wrong: Real-Life Stories About the Men We Used to Love - a new book featuring real-life accounts of troubled relationships.

Signs of Lying

2007-02-23T08:20:00.000-06:00

People who study deception know that there are very few, if any, nonverbal signs of lying.

And even if people did give off consistent clues when lying, it would still be difficult to detect deception for a variety of reasons which I've highlighted before:

A new study on the nonverbal indicators of deception by Siegfried Sporer and Barbara Schwandt once again reveals that many of the clues thought to be associated with lying, are not. The study also reveals that liars often behave just the opposite of what people expect.

And the study shows that the relationship between nonverbal cues and lying is complex - there isn't a simple and straightforward set of clues that can be identified - the cues vary based on the nature of the lie, a person's motivation, level of preparation, and so on.

In short, if you are looking for an easy way to tell if someone is lying, don't count on it. And more importantly, never pay anyone to reveal the secrets of how to detect deception. There are much better ways to spend your time and money.

Hat tip to Deception Blog for blogging about Sporer and Schwadt's new study.

Resources on Infidelity

2007-02-21T19:23:00.000-06:00

Some useful resources on infidelity:

American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy - Information and advice for dealing with infidelity, including counseling resources.
Marriage Builders - Steps for recovering from infidelity.
Surviving Infidelity - Message board and forum for people dealing with the issue of infidelity.
Truth About Deception - Information, advice, and examples of cheating and infidelity.
Psychology Today - Article discussing different types of affairs and one on the myths of infidelity.
Wikipedia - A legal and religious view on the issue of infidelity.
WebMD - Information about how to save a relationship after an affair.
Mayo Clinic - Advice for mending a relationship after an affair.
National Healthy Marriage Resource Center - Answers to commonly asked questions about infidelity.
Discovery Health - Article about recovering from infidelity.
Infidelity Article Search - Customized search results for information on infidelity.
Relate Institute - Information about emotional affairs.

Typology of Cheating

2007-02-20T09:09:00.000-06:00

People are fairly comfortable talking to me about cheating, probably because I’m much more curious than judgmental when it comes to such things.

In any case, over the years, I’ve implicitly developed a typology of cheating based on conversations I’ve had with my friends and colleagues who have cheated on their spouses.

My typology is based on the idea that there are three fairly separate emotional systems underlying our romantic relationships: There is sexual desire, love, and attachment. Different types of cheating can occur based on different combinations of these basic emotional components.

To begin with, let me describe the differences between sexual desire, love, and attachment and then I’ll use these components to create my typology of cheating.

An excerpt taken from TruthAboutDeception.com:

Sexual Desire

The first emotional system is sexual desire. Sexual desire involves the lustful, sexually passionate feelings people have for each other. Sexual desire is a very intense and powerful emotion; it can cloud one’s judgmental and prompt risk-taking. Sexual desire is often based on physical appearance, novelty and the chemistry between two people. And while sexual desire motives a lot of our behaviors early on in a relationship, intense levels of sexual desire are difficult to maintain with the same person over the course of time (see, section on the Coolidge Effect).

Love

The second emotional system entails love. And love, in and of itself, is composed of a complex set of feelings. Love often entails feelings of closeness, genuine appreciation, and concern. But, the experience of love is not the same for everyone. For some people love is delusional and needy, or based on emotional game playing, or experienced as the desire to take care of another person (see, Styles of Love).

Attachment

The last emotional system involves attachment. Attachment is the feeling of security and comfort we get from being close to someone else. Attachment provides a sense of stability, certainty, and safety – the feeling that someone will always be there for you in a time of need. And like with love, there are individual differences in the experience of attachment (see, Attachment Styles).

In a perfect world, perhaps sexual desire, love and attachment would all be directed towards one’s romantic partner and no one else. But, this is not the case. These three emotional components are often not directed toward the same person, especially over the course of time. And to make things more complicated, some of these components, like sexual desire and love, can be directed at more than one person at a time.

Based on these three emotional systems, different types of cheating are possible:

Types of Cheating

Opportunistic Sexual Cheating

This type of cheating occurs when a partner is in love and attached to a spouse, but succumbs to their sexual desire for someone else. Typically, this type of cheating is driven by situational circumstances – opportunity (e.g., travel), risk-taking (thrill of excitement), and alcohol or drug use. The typical one night stand. And the more in love a person is with their spouse, the more guilt he or she will experience as a result of their sexual encounter. But feelings of guilt tend to fade as the fear of getting caught subsides.

Obligatory Sexual Cheating

This type of cheating is based on fear. Fear that resisting someone's sexual advances will result in immediate disapproval or rejection. Essentially, people may have feelings of sexual desire, love and attachment for a spouse, but still end up cheating simply because they have a strong need for approval. And their need for approval, at that moment, can cause them to act in ways which are inconsistent with their other feelings. Simply put, some people cheat, not because they want to cheat, but because in the situation, it can be too difficult to say "no." However, people who cheat in order appease others often experience tremendous guilt and shame. Ironically, their desire for approval, in the immediate situation, causes people to act in ways which ultimately disappoint someone else - their spouse. This category of cheating was provided by a viewer.

Romantic Cheating

This type of cheating occurs when one is attached to a spouse, but experiences sexual desire and love for someone else. The traditional emotional and sexual affair. In such situations, people often make promises to leave a spouse to be with their lover, but fail to do so. Their attachment to their spouse prevents them from leaving. Often these situations end in misery. Lovers feel betrayed and cheating spouses end up staying in a loveless marriage. A classic example of Romantic Cheating can be found here.

Conflicted Romantic Cheating

This type of cheating occurs when people experience genuine love and sexual desire for more than one person at a time. Despite our idealistic notions of having only one true love, it is possible to experience intense romantic love for multiple people simultaneously (see, Polyamory). While such situations are emotional possible, pragmatically, they are very complicated and tend to create a lot of anxiety and stress. In this case, cheating spouses, in their attempt not to cause anyone harm, tend to end up hurting everyone.

Commemorative Cheating

This type of cheating occurs when people are in a committed relationship, but have no feelings for that person. There is no sexual desire, or love or attachment – only a sense of commitment keeps a couple together. When people cheat in this type of situation, the overriding concern seems to be for keeping appearances… emotionally there is no angst or guilt, just concern for what other people might think.

It is important to understand how sexual desire, romantic love, and attachment can produce different outcomes when trying to recover from an affair.

Between

2007-02-17T19:32:00.000-06:00

Relationship Anxiety Day

2007-02-14T09:07:00.000-06:00

Today is Valentine's Day.

And it also happens to be the day when the most news stories about infidelity get published. Here is just a sample of some of the stories about infidelity which are appearing in the press today:

Special Report - Number one Day to Cheat - Valentine's Day - Msnbc
Snooping Cupid - Milwaukee Journal Sentinel
No Hearts and Flowers Here - Philadelphia Daily
Catching Cheaters on Valentine's Day - Sun Sentinel
Romance, Schmomance - Science Daily
Divorce Lawyers Busy Today - Quad-City Times
Hot Times for PIs - Kansas City Star
Financial Infidelity - The Washington Post
Unhappy Valentines - The Charleston Gazette

Why is there so much collective cynicism in the press about true love and fidelity on a day meant to celebrate romantic relationships?

Can you imagine the press publishing articles about the pitfalls of being Christian on Christmas, or articles highlighting military abuses on Veteran's Day?

Maybe when it comes to love and romance, it is easier for people to question the idea of true love given that many people have experienced betrayal first hand. Many people through their own thoughts and actions have betrayed a lover at one time or another or they have been betrayed by a loved one.

So while lovers may spend Valentine's Day exchanging flowers, chocolates, and cards... part of the day is probably spent thinking about downside of being in love - betrayal, heartache and pain.

Perhaps the press are not as cynical as they appear, rather they understand their readership fairly well.

Insults, Sexual Interest, Sperm Competition, and Infidelity

2007-02-10T12:09:00.000-06:00

Upcoming Research on Romantic Relationships:

Men use insults (e.g., "you're an idiot, you're ugly, you make me miserable") as a mate retention tactic. Essentially, if a man can convince his parter that she's an unworthy mate, she'll be less likely to leave him.

Citation: McKibbin, W. F., Goetz, A. T., Shackelford, T. K., Schipper, L. D., Starratt, V.G., & Stewart-Williams, S. (in press). Why do men insult their intimate partners? Personality and Individual Differences.

Men who suspect their partners of cheating may become more sexually aroused and sexually coercive as a means of combating a reproductive rival. Essentially, men show more sexual interest in a partner when cues to infidelity exist - men engage in sperm warfare.

Citation: Shackelford, T. K., & Goetz, A. T. (in press). Adaptation to sperm competition in humans. Current Directions in Psychological Science.

Men who spend more time apart from their partners since the last time they had sexual intercourse are more likely to want to have sex, be more persistent in their sexual advances, and be more upset by sexual rejection. The results are interpreted in terms of sperm competition - sexual interest is a tactic to combat potential female infidelity. Men who spend more time with their partners are less concerned about a reproductive rival and can therefore be more relaxed about having sex.

Citation: Shackelford, T. K., Goetz, A. T., McKibbin, W. F., & Starratt, V. G. (in press). Absence makes the adaptations grow fonder: Proportion of time apart from partner, male sexual psychology, and sperm competition in humans. Journal of Comparative Psychology.

Are You Having an Online Affair?

2007-02-08T07:42:00.000-06:00

The Age.com just posted an article about the pitfalls of online affairs - how easy they are to start and how problematic they can become. As part of that article, they post a series of questions to ask to help determine if your online chatting crosses the line. Here is a copy of the questions and a link to the article:

Are you having an online affair?

If you answer yes to five or more of the following questions you could be crossing the line from online chatting to a cyber affair:
In the past week, have you spent more than three hours talking to an online "friend"?
Do you plan/look forward to your next communication with them?
Does your partner know about your "friend", and would you be comfortable for them to join in chats?
Do you chat when no one is around?
Do you make excuses to go online?
Do you exit the screen if someone walks into the room while you're chatting?
Do you tell your online "friend" more about your thoughts, feelings, achievements and disappointments than your partner?
Do you talk to your "friend" about problems in your real life relationship?
Do you think your online "friend" understands and supports you more than your partner?
Are you becoming unpredictable about how you act towards your partner?
Has your sex life with your partner changed since meeting your "friend"?
Do you think about sending your online "friend'' photos, talking on the phone or meeting for coffee?

Virtual Infidelity - By the Age.com

And some another source of information about online affairs:

Net Addiction

Do Things Ever Change?

2007-02-07T17:06:00.000-06:00

Prehistoric lovers are uncovered in Italy, the oldest known human turns out to be a murder victim, and just this week an astronaut is charged with attempted homicide in a love triangle.

What an interesting glimpse of our ancient emotions influencing modern day life.

Color of Love

2007-02-06T06:59:00.000-06:00

The New York Times has an interesting article on the importance of the color of red and it's connection to love. Nicholas Humphrey, who is quoted in the article, is well known for his scholarship on evolution and social relationships...

An excerpt from the article:

As it happens, red is an exquisite ambassador for love, and in more ways than people may realize. Not only is red the color of the blood that flushes the face and swells the pelvis and that one swears one would spill to save the beloved’s prized hide. It is also a fine metaphoric mate for the complexity and contrariness of love. In red we see shades of life, death, fury, shame, courage, anguish, pride and the occasional overuse of exfoliants designed to combat signs of aging. Red is bright and bold and has a big lipsticked mouth, through which it happily speaks out of all sides at once. Yoo-hoo! yodels red, come close, have a look. Stop right there, red amends, one false move and you’re dead.

The entire article can be found here: How do we see red? Count the ways

Study on Sex and Infidelity

2007-02-05T22:28:00.000-06:00

The times just posted an interesting article on sex and infidelity in Great Britain.

An excerpt from the article:

At least 42 per cent of men and 31 per cent of women have kissed another person while in an ongoing, regular partnership... As for vaginal sex outside of marriage or an ongoing partnership, 14 per cent of the under thirties have participated in such activity, as compared to 23 per cent of the 30 and 40-year-olds. Most strikingly, among the over fifties, 30 per cent have had vaginal sex with someone other than his or her regular partner, a figure higher than the national average, across all age groups, for extramarital vaginal penetration. Thus, in spite of the decline in sexual practices across the life cycle, older people will still be much more likely to have engaged in extramarital vaginal penetration...

The entire article can be found here: Sex Matters

The Dark Side of Valentine's Day

2007-02-05T11:29:00.000-06:00

As Valentine's Day approaches there always seems to be more stories about infidelity, betrayal and other relationship problems. And for some reason I don't think this is a coincidence.

I imagine that for some people, Valentine's Day forces couples to think about their relationship and doing so may bring problems to light. For instance, feeling obligated to show affection to a partner can often have the opposite effect - forced affection can increase awareness of just how little affection there is in a relationship or how unnatural showing affection has become. Along the same line, being forced to do a task often leads people to discount the task at hand - so many people may devalue the affection they give to a partner simply because it is not freely given. Moreover, seeing genuinely happy couples tends to invite social comparisons - why aren't we as happy or what happened to our relationship? I also find it somewhat ironic that "experts" on infidelity put out more press releases and give more interviews during Valentine's Day than at any other time of the year.

My conclusion: Valentine's Day is great when you are madly in love, but it for many couples it probably creates some awkwardness, and in some cases, disillusionment. And it's just my guess, but I think that the media know that stories about troubled relationships play well this time of the year.

Anyway, here is a recent sample of some news stories about infidelity, cheating and relationship problems:

News story discussing the role of infidelity in many current movie releases.
Article highlighting how difficult it is to be famous and faithful.
Several news stories on the Mayor of San Francisco who had an affair with an aide/friend's wife: Time Magazine or LA Times.
Numerous articles covering the public love spat between the former Prime Minister of Italy and his wife: Evening Standard or Newsweek.
Story about hiring a private investigator for Valentine's Day.
News item about a NASA astronaut attempting to attack a romantic rival.
Story about women choosing clothing over sex.

Electronic Tattle-Telling

2007-01-30T16:07:00.000-06:00

This post isn't really about lying or relationships, but it deals with a somewhat related topic: snooping and tattle-tellling.

If your childhood experience was anything like mine, there was always the nosey neighbor, someone who kept close watch on what was going on and reported any hint of wrongdoing.

And while most people disliked the specific individuals who took on such a role, tattle-tales probably served an important function - after all, people tend to behave more appropriately when they think they are being watched.

But, given our high tech, mobile society, how does the neighborhood tattle-tale keep up? By going online?

A new trend is emerging - the electronic tattle-tale:

PlateWire.com - Report bad drivers using their license plate.
MyBikelane.com - Cars that block or park in bike lanes.
Caughtya.org - Report people who illegally use handicapped parking spaces
YouParkLikeanAsshole.com - Report people who don't know how to park.
HollaBackNYC.com - Does someone leer at you? Did Santa cop a feel? Take a picture and report it online.
RudePeople.com - Overall rude behavior in public - such as talking on cells phones during a movie.

Winter Lake

2007-01-24T10:14:00.000-06:00

Importance of Happiness

2007-01-22T15:14:00.000-06:00

Close relationships are so interesting because all of the important issues in life - happiness and heartache, cooperation and competition, trust and betrayal - all get played out on a very small stage, providing a certain amount of clarity and focus.

And when people lie to each other, it is often about their feelings. Fortunately, most people know better than to take words at their face value; it is important to pay close attention to how messages are conveyed.

And more often than not, people pay special attention to the face, believing that facial expressions convey information about one's true emotional state. But at the same time, people are aware that others are watching their faces for clues to their inner feelings. So, people are pretty good at masking their emotions - putting on their poker face, so to speak.

But as it turns out, one of our most basic emotions, genuine happiness, is hard to fake. Generally speaking, signals which are hard to fake are also very important - the fact that they can't be faked usually indicates that important information is being exchanged.

To me, it is reassuring to know that there is real value in letting people know when you are happy or not - that at some level our happiness, or lack thereof, is important to share with others, so important, that it is one of the few things we can't easily hide.

Love and Marriage...

2007-01-16T11:51:00.000-06:00

Most people find themselves deeply attached to a romantic partner. Forming a deep emotional bond to a sexual partner is a fundamental part of our human nature. But, two interesting articles published this week highlight some growing trends and problems people encounter when our ancient ways of relating encounter our modern day notions of love and romance.

The first article published in the Guardian's Observer highlights how attachment bonds, which are designed to keep people together, do not necessary equate with longterm sexual satisfaction. And how some couples, who are happily attached, but sexually unsatisfied, find romance on the side.

The second article, published in the NYTimes, highlights the growing trend in the US away from marriage as the "main institution that organizes people’s lives."

What is interesting about these two articles, to me at least, is not that people are moving away from love, romance, and attachment, as if that were possible, given our human nature. But, that people are starting to come up with creative solutions to fit love and romance into their lives in ways that may be less traditional (idealistic), but more pragmatic. These articles also remind me of a previous post I wrote about relationships - Does one size fit all?

Questions Couples Should Consider...

2007-01-12T17:48:00.000-06:00

Even in the best of circumstances, lying and deception are part of our close relationships. And being in love is no guarantee that the truth will be told. In fact, infatuation and passion often lead people to make poor choices when it comes to picking a romantic partner, only increasing the odds that deception will occur.

So, before jumping into a serious relationship, it often useful to consider some issues which eventually drive many couples apart. With this in mind, I've put together a list of questions couples should ask when evaluating their relationship:

Questions to Ask Before Marrying - NYTimes Article
Is Your Relationship Worth Saving - TruthAboutDeception.com
20 Questions to Ask Before Marrying - Associated Content
The Commitment Conversation (pdf) - The Equality In Marriage Institution

Late Life Divorce

2007-01-11T12:49:00.000-06:00

Increased health, more disposable income, living longer, and increased expectations for happiness... has spurned a new trend: The late life divorce.

Deirdre Blair's new book, "Calling It Quits: Late Life Divorce and Starting Over," explores why people are increasingly getting a divorce after decades of marriage.

Infidelity, falling out of love, and growing apart are just a few of the reasons why couples are increasingly calling it quits as they approach their golden years.

More details on this growing trend can be found in an article in the Hartfort Courant and an AARP report on divorce.

Divorce Day In Great Britain

2007-01-08T18:53:00.000-06:00

Monday January 8th is D-Day in Britain - Divorce Day that is.

Now that the holidays are over, more couples start the divorce process than at any other time of the year.

Reasons why couples decide to call it quits:

Lack of sex, infidelity, falling out of love, and relationships which have turned abusive are the primary reasons given.
Roughly one third of all men in England are bored with their relationship.
And the holidays can be particularly tough on relationships, as couples are forced to spend quality time together, which turns out to be far less than ideal.

In any case, the early part of January is the busiest time of the year for divorce attorneys in the United Kingdom.

The full report on D-Day can be found at InsideDivorce.com.

Resources on Lying and Deception

2007-01-03T18:38:00.000-06:00

My favorite resources on the web for information about lying and deception.

Articles

Detecting Deception:

Psych Central - Article focusing on difficulty of detecting deception.
American Psychological Association - Article describes the nonverbal clues of deception and how difficult lying is to detect.
Human Face - Article provides an overview of the various ways to detect deception.
Science News - Article highlights problems involved in using nonverbal clues to detect deception.
FBI Law Enforcement Bulletin (pdf) - Article discussing how to detect deception in the context of an interview or interrogation.

Benefits of Lying:

Forbes.com - Article highlighting the benefits of lying.

Ethics of Lying:

Center for Ethics - Article discusses the ethics involved with lying.

Websites on Lying and Deception

How to Lie:

How To Lie - Information on how to lie persuasively.

Deception in Romantic Relationships:

Truth About Deception - A detailed look at lying and deception in close relationships.
Love Fraud - A website for people who are romantically involved with a sociopath.

General Information about Lying and Deception:

Wikipedia - General information about deception.
Deception Blog - Review of academic research on deception.

Self-Deception:

Skeptics Dictionary - An interesting take on self-deception.

Quotes on Lying:

Lying Quotes - Famous quotes about lying.
Health Diaries - More quotes about lying and deception.

Popular Culture:

Eyes for Lies - A "truth wizard" - a person with an unusual ability to detect deception - provides her insight on lying and current events.

Women's Views on Love and Marriage

2007-01-02T16:35:00.000-06:00

Relationships are always difficult. Being close to someone else brings rewards, but it also creates tension. And as I have posted in the past, not everyone belongs in a modern day romance.

Personally, I believe that our expectations about love and romance are out of touch with reality. While being in love is great, love does not solve the problems people face.

And despite the average $30,000 wedding, many couples end up unhappy.

Unfortunately, a new survey of married woman being released this month by AOL and Woman's Day also brings home that point.

Here are some of the highlights of that survey:

36% of the women surveyed said that they would not marry their husbands if they had to do it all over again.
An additional 20% said they were not sure if they would marry their husband again.
76% of the women reported keeping secrets from their husbands.
49% suspect their husbands of cheating at one time or another.
76% fantasize about having sex with other men.
39% admit to constantly flirting with other men.

Taking on the Perspective of the "Other Person"

2006-12-29T12:43:00.000-06:00

If the estimates are correct, many people will cheat on a spouse at one time or another. So, it is probably safe to assume that many people can take on the perspective of a cheating spouse; they have first hand knowledge of how it feels - a combination of stress, anxiety, excitement, pleasure and guilt.

And given our psychological make-up, where we can more readily view our ourselves as victims rather than perpetrators of harm, it is somewhat easy for people to empathize with a faithful spouse who has been cheated on. Imagine what it feels like to discover that your spouse has been cheating on you? A mixture of shock, betrayal, anger, rejection and humiliation.

But, have you ever wondered what it's like to be the "other woman or man?" To be single and to be involved with someone who is married?

A viewer recently brought two websites to my attention - which examine affairs from the perspective of the "other person."

Here you go:

Lying Is Easier When No One Is Watching

2006-12-28T15:03:00.000-06:00

It comes as no surprise that our behavior changes when other people are watching us. For instance, people laugh louder when watching TV with others than they do when watching TV by themselves.

And by simply placing a pair of eyes on a computer screen, people act more cooperatively. People are more generous and people are more likely to donate money when they feel they are being watched - even if it is by a fake pair of eyes.

And when it comes to lying, a new survey released today shows that people prefer telling lies when no one can see them doing it. People prefer to tell lies over the phone, through a text message, or over e-mail because they feel a lot less guilty about lying when it is not done face-to-face. Along the same line, the BBC also reports that people prefer to lie over e-mail at work.

The moral of the story? People feel more comfortable behaving badly, even lying to loved ones, when no one is looking over their shoulder. Our behavior, to a certain extent, is influenced by whether we think we are being observed.

Will technology, which physically separates us from each other, ultimately make lying more common? It seems so.

The Year in Review - Top Ten Stories about Lying, Cheating and Infidelity

2006-12-27T16:34:00.000-06:00

A Not-So-Serious Look at the Top Ten Stories About Lying, Cheating and Infidelity - 2006

The "On the Edge of My Seat" distinction goes to Woody Allen for his movie Match Point; a riveting drama about the perils of infidelity. The entire time, the movie had me wondering how Mia Farrow ever survived Woody Allen's affair with her adopted daughter Soon-Yi Previn. For Woody Allen, life still must be stranger than fiction.

The "So Juvenile" distinction goes to the former Representative Mark Foley (R, not D, as was reported on Fox News) for his pervish behavior with an underage, male, congressional page (or two). The real shock of this story was not that a gay, republican congressman was hitting on an underage page, but that it caused countless cheating spouses to suffer in silence as they discovered how easily instant messages could be saved and retrieved.

The "Give Me a Break" mention goes to Pastor Ted Haggart, a leading evangelical preacher, who will be known for his famous denial of having sex with a gay, male prostitute on crystal meth. When initially accused, the Pastor Haggart, claimed that he bought meth, but "never used it." His excuse was so unbelievably lame that it brought back painful memories of President Clinton trying to recall the definition of the word "is."

The "Very Strange" distinction goes to the NYTimes for a front page article on the state of the Clinton's relationship. Care to know how many days a year the Clintons spent together last year? Or what their friends, on deep background, thought about their relationship? This article is so long, detailed, and packed full of non-information that it's impossible to read without wondering, "What in the hell am I missing?" To help fill in that gap, however, the article is peppered with anonymous reports of the former President being seen out-on-the-town, late at night, with another woman. Perhaps we are seeing a new form of reporting - Innuendo Journalism. Why say what you're trying to say, if you don't have to? Luckily, the media reaction to this article was rather negative (Media Matters and Huffington Post).

The "Farewell to Pretexting" distinction goes to Hewlett-Packard. Private investigators, hired by the company to investigate leaks to the media, used "pretexting" to obtain phone records of those under suspicion. Pretexting involves calling a company and pretending to be someone else in order to obtain a copy of their records. Pretexting was a tactic often used in infidelity investigations, but after the Hewlett-Packard scandal, Congress made pretexting a federal crime.

The "Enough!" distinction goes to the formerly alleged murder suspect O.J. Simpson, who had a book written for him called, "If, I Did It." This time around, however, the money trail led right back to Rupert Murdoch, who when caught, also tried to wash his hands clean of the mess by declaring that the project was a poor fit for his News Corp.

The "Bad Timing" mention goes to the former Governor of New Jersey, Jim McGreevey, for his Confession - a book about his secret life as a gay, married politician. Unfortunately, sales of his book didn't pan out as well as his affair, which ended miserably. While Jim McGreevey was ahead of the curve when it came to getting into trouble with other men, who could have known that his book release would face such stiff competition from the Republicans (see, "So Juvenile" and "Give Me a Break")?

The "Something Is Terribly Wrong" distinction goes to John Mark Karr - known for falsely confessing to killing JonBenet Ramsey. I knew something was terribly wrong with the entire case when I discovered myself reading the details of Mr. Karr's airplane MEAL on his flight back to the US in the NYTimes. And I am quoting from the article, "he sipped champagne and drank beer and chardonnay with a meal of fried prawns." Despite the hype surrounding this media spectacle, the American public quickly sensed that Mr. Karr, while having done something unimaginably wrong at some point in his life, had little to do with JonBenet's death. It's unfortunate that the Boulder Police Department could not have done the same. Everyone would have been better off had Mr. Karr been spared his 16 minutes of fame.

The "Getting Tiresome" distinction goes to websites trying to identify spouses and lovers who have cheated in the past. Hopefully, these websites have hit their peak, providing more of a forum for revengeful ex-lovers than useful information.

The "Terrible Misfortune" distinction goes to Brooke Astor, the former grand dame of New York Society, who at age 104, had to suffer the indignity of having her son allegedly try to steal her fortune from her. To make matters worse, her son was also accused of forcing her to live in wretched, uncharitable conditions. It is sad that the formerly active, wealthy, socialite found herself the subject of many court filings and countless articles in the NYTimes - including one commenting on the condition of her urine-soiled couch. Shame to those involved and to the NYTimes for endlessly covering the sordid details of this affair. The entire incident left me wondering - is Brooke Astor to the NYTimes, what Natalie Holloway is to CNN?

happy holidays

2006-12-27T11:46:00.000-06:00

Damage to the Brain and Infidelity

2006-12-19T11:29:00.000-06:00

There is a strong connection between the brain and behavior. Damage to specific parts of the brain, often results in unusual behavior.

For instance, Phineas Gage, who had an iron pole propelled through his brain, is probably the best known example. Before the accident Phineas was considered to be a mild-mannered, considerate and thoughtful man. After the accident, however, Phineas's behavior was marked by the use of profanity, inappropriate and sexually-charged behavior.

And there are many other examples of the unusual impact that damage to the brain can have on subsequent behavior. For instance, damage to some parts of the brain leaves people unable to recognize faces, of anyone, including their own. Damage to other parts of the brain can leave people unable to form new memories, somewhat similar to the lead character in the movie, Momento. And some damage leaves people unable to experience fear, so when placed in dangerous situations, they tend to become more amused than frightened.

The most recent example to come to attention, however, involves infidelity.

Stephen Tame, who suffered a head injury after taking a fall at work was later unable to control his sexual urges. After his injury, Stephen, who was recently married, committed infidelity, couldn't resist pornography, and frolicked with a prostitute. It appears that his marriage is headed for divorce and that his life is in ruin - except for the $5.8 million dollar judgment he recently won against his employer.

You can read the full story about Stephen's predicament here.

The New York Times also recently published an article on how brain damage can influence moral reasoning.

The Face of a Cheater

2006-12-15T15:59:00.000-06:00

This comes as no surprise - people make a lot of judgments about others based on their appearance, and in particular, we pay a lot of attention to other people's faces.

But, can we tell who is more likely to cheat, simply by looking at their face?

Perhaps so.

A study published this month by Daniel Kruger in the journal of Personal Relationships, shows that people consistently judge more masculine-looking versions of a male face as someone who is more likely to:

commit infidelity
make a pass at someone's else girlfriend
be promiscuous

More masculine-looking faces (e.g., wider jaw, more pronounced brow, square chin, etc.) are due to higher levels of testosterone during development. And other research indicates that higher levels of testosterone are linked to promiscuity and infidelity.

Taken together, there may be some truth behind the idea that our public face reveals something about our private behavior.

Or think of it this way: If you were a guy, who would you want to have around your girlfriend... the second or fifth guy pictured above? That is, the more masculine- or feminine-looking male?

Anyway, if your interested seeing how people respond to faces, the following site may be of interest: Face Research

Tactics of Conversational Distraction

2006-12-14T11:51:00.000-06:00

Mimicry, camouflage and distraction can all be used to mislead others.

Distraction, in particular, involves drawing a target's attention away from one's real goal or purpose, in order to better accomplish that goal. For instance, birds will often fake an injury to lure predators away from their offspring. Along the same line, pickpockets often create distractions, such as someone fainting in a crowd, in order to divert attention away from what's really going on. And, of course, distraction is commonly used in sports, war, politics, and so on.

To successfully engage in distraction, it usually involves some form of mimicry (e.g., trying to appear injured) and camouflage (e.g., trying to blend a crowd). And while blatant forms of distraction, like those mentioned above, are typically easy to spot (from the right vantage point), what are some of the more subtle ways that people engage in distraction?

How do we engage in distraction in our everyday conversations?

At one time or another, everyone has found themselves in the following situation: A conversation is veering toward a potentially dangerous topic - a topic where telling the truth is really not an option. But, at the same time, most people would prefer not to lie. Can the topic be avoided, somehow, without the other person noticing? Is there a way to socially distract the target from having that conversation?

Tactics of Conversational Distraction

Seize Control - When a conversation appears headed toward dangerous territory, take control of it. If you have to, interrupt the other person (raising your voice works), bring up relevant, but less dangerous topics, and move the conversation toward safer ground.
Bombard with Questions - Distract the target with questions so they don't have a chance to ask questions themselves.
Emotionally Stun - Bring up an emotionally difficult subject (e.g., "have you heard from... about..."), a subject where the target is likely to get trapped in their own emotions causing them to lose their focus.

These distractionary tactics work well when trying to avoid a subject from coming up. But, they work less well once an issue has been raised.

In future posts, I'll discuss some of the ways people use language to mislead when attempts to distract others have failed.

trees

2006-12-12T00:31:00.000-06:00

Financial Infidelity

2006-12-11T09:09:00.000-06:00

I just ran across a news story about financial infidelity - hiding money or one's spending habits from a spouse. Definitely an interesting read as the holidays approach.

Not All Differences Are Created Equal - Problems in Detecting Deception

2006-12-10T15:51:00.000-06:00

First, I want to apologize for this rather long post. But, there is an issue that has always bothered me when it comes to detecting deception. An issue which I don’t think gets near enough attention.

There is a fallacy underlying most of the research on detecting deception. And the fallacy goes something like this:

People’s nonverbal behavior changes when telling the truth versus lying.
If we can identify some of the nonverbal differences involved, then we train people to detect deception.

This argument seems pretty logical and straightforward, but it’s not.

There is already much debate surrounding the idea that the nonverbal cues of deception can be reliability identified. But, just for the sake of argument, let’s assume that it can be done.

Here’s where I think the real problem starts. There is a big difference between identifying nonverbal cues associated with deception, and being able to use those cues to detect deception.

Specifically, the problem is that the nonverbal cues which have been identified are based on statistically significant differences. These significant differences are not the same as diagnostic differences; that is, differences which can be used to distinguish group members from each other.

I am going try to explain this distinction using a concrete example, but first some basics about statistical significance and research on detecting deception.

To begin with, a significant difference refers to the idea that an observed outcome is probably not due to chance. And a great description of statistically significant differences can be found on the Cancer Guide website.

But, for our purposes let's use an example. Let’s assume that we watched two groups of 60 people each. People in the fist group were instructed to tell the truth about their favorite vacation and include as many details as possible. Now, the individuals in the second group were given the same instructions, but told to lie. We could videotape everyone’s stories and count how often certain types of nonverbal behaviors occurred. Watching the tapes, we might just notice that people in the lying group touched their face more often than people in the truth telling group.

And there might even be a significant difference between the two groups with respect to this nonverbal behavior. Let’s say that, on average, liars touched their face 5 times, while truth tellers only touched their face 3 times. Even though we’ve found a statistically significant difference – a difference that is unusual – this does not necessarily mean that we can use this information to detect deception. Significant differences cannot always be used in a diagnostic way. That is, in way to reliability distinguish group members (liars from truth tellers) from each other.

Ok, let me show you a concrete example of why this can’t typically be done.

I often teach the same course during the semester - a day course and a night course. And every time this happens, the students in the day class earn better grades than the students in the night class. I think this difference occurs because students taking night course are more likely to work full-time during the day and have little extra free time for studying.

Here are 2 sets of grades from the last time this happened (see, Table 1).

Table 1 - Scores from two separate classes (full data is provided in Table 3).

Day Students' Scores	Night Students' Scores
92.37	81.84
94.47	75.90
...	...
83.69	38.09
87.54	97.15

Now, the average scores for the students in the day class is 85.02 or a "B" while the average score for students in the night class is 80.31 - right around a "C+" or "B-."

And there is a significant difference in grades between these two classes – the difference observed is probably not due to chance (t[118]=1.679, p < .05). It’s a small difference, but it’s still a statistically significant difference. In other words, I can say with some confidence that students in my day class really did earn better grades than students in my night class. So, far so good. I’ve identified a significant difference that exists between two groups.

Or to think about it in terms of detecting deception, I’ve found two groups which statistically differ from each other – just like noticing a difference between liars and truth tellers with respect to some nonverbal behavior.

But, here is the twist and where the problem emerges. I’ve now combined the two classes and reordered their scores from highest to lowest (see, Table 2). You know the two groups of students are significantly different with respect to their grades, but can you tell them apart based on their scores?

In other words, can you reverse engineer the problem?

This is the same problem as trying to catch a liar by looking at his or her nonverbal behavior. Give it a try. Here are all of my students' scores. Which class does each student come from – the day class or the night class?

Table 2

Combined Students' Scores	Guess What Class?
100.00	D or N
100.00	D or N
98.44	D or N
97.88	D or N
97.61	D or N
97.15	D or N
96.82	D or N
96.59	D or N
96.57	D or N
96.30	D or N
96.29	D or N
96.05	D or N
95.85	D or N
95.85	D or N
95.84	D or N
95.78	D or N
95.60	D or N
94.47	D or N
94.02	D or N
93.90	D or N
93.84	D or N
93.78	D or N
93.71	D or N
93.51	D or N
93.25	D or N
93.15	D or N
92.73	D or N
92.64	D or N
92.49	D or N
92.47	D or N
92.37	D or N
92.09	D or N
91.96	D or N
91.85	D or N
91.85	D or N
91.85	D or N
91.70	D or N
91.57	D or N
91.44	D or N
91.44	D or N
90.92	D or N
90.66	D or N
90.15	D or N
89.77	D or N
89.74	D or N
89.50	D or N
89.37	D or N
89.10	D or N
88.84	D or N
88.73	D or N
88.33	D or N
88.17	D or N
88.17	D or N
88.08	D or N
88.05	D or N
87.89	D or N
87.81	D or N
87.54	D or N
87.54	D or N
87.29	D or N
87.13	D or N
87.08	D or N
86.77	D or N
86.60	D or N
86.56	D or N
86.34	D or N
86.06	D or N
85.81	D or N
85.75	D or N
85.73	D or N
85.72	D or N
85.03	D or N
84.95	D or N
84.44	D or N
83.69	D or N
83.68	D or N
83.16	D or N
82.63	D or N
82.40	D or N
82.13	D or N
82.10	D or N
81.89	D or N
81.84	D or N
81.84	D or N
81.06	D or N
80.79	D or N
80.55	D or N
80.36	D or N
80.28	D or N
79.51	D or N
79.25	D or N
79.00	D or N
78.70	D or N
78.48	D or N
78.22	D or N
78.21	D or N
77.96	D or N
77.95	D or N
77.43	D or N
75.90	D or N
75.13	D or N
75.01	D or N
74.33	D or N
72.41	D or N
67.33	D or N
66.83	D or N
66.55	D or N
65.75	D or N
57.99	D or N
47.20	D or N
45.77	D or N
44.30	D or N
44.19	D or N
44.19	D or N
40.42	D or N
38.09	D or N
38.09	D or N
38.09	D or N
36.30	D or N
32.64	D or N

Now, even if you were to play it safe and assume that anyone with a grade above the middlemost score was most likely from my day class, and anyone below that score was in my night class… you’d still not get it right. Take a look at the data again, this time with the right answers provided.

Table 3 – Best Guess Plus Real Answer

Combined Students' Scores	Best Guess	Actual Class	Correct Guess
100.00	D	D	Correct
100.00	D	N	Incorrect
98.44	D	N	Incorrect
97.88	D	D	Correct
97.61	D	D	Correct
97.15	D	N	Incorrect
96.82	D	D	Correct
96.59	D	D	Correct
96.57	D	D	Correct
96.30	D	D	Correct
96.29	D	D	Correct
96.05	D	D	Correct
95.85	D	N	Incorrect
95.85	D	N	Incorrect
95.84	D	N	Incorrect
95.78	D	D	Correct
95.60	D	D	Correct
94.47	D	D	Correct
94.02	D	N	Incorrect
93.90	D	D	Correct
93.84	D	D	Correct
93.78	D	N	Incorrect
93.71	D	D	Correct
93.51	D	N	Incorrect
93.25	D	N	Incorrect
93.15	D	D	Correct
92.73	D	N	Incorrect
92.64	D	D	Correct
92.49	D	N	Incorrect
92.47	D	N	Incorrect
92.37	D	D	Correct
92.09	D	D	Correct
91.96	D	N	Incorrect
91.85	D	D	Correct
91.85	D	D	Correct
91.85	D	D	Correct
91.70	D	N	Incorrect
91.57	D	D	Correct
91.44	D	N	Incorrect
91.44	D	N	Incorrect
90.92	D	N	Incorrect
90.66	D	N	Incorrect
90.15	D	N	Incorrect
89.77	D	D	Correct
89.74	D	D	Correct
89.50	D	D	Correct
89.37	D	N	Incorrect
89.10	D	N	Incorrect
88.84	D	N	Incorrect
88.73	D	D	Correct
88.33	D	N	Incorrect
88.17	D	D	Correct
88.17	D	D	Correct
88.08	D	D	Correct
88.05	D	N	Incorrect
87.89	D	D	Correct
87.81	D	N	Incorrect
87.54	D	N	Incorrect
87.54	D	D	Correct
87.29	D	N	Incorrect
87.13	N	D	Incorrect
87.08	N	D	Incorrect
86.77	N	N	Correct
86.60	N	D	Incorrect
86.56	N	D	Incorrect
86.34	N	D	Incorrect
86.06	N	D	Incorrect
85.81	N	D	Incorrect
85.75	N	N	Correct
85.73	N	N	Correct
85.72	N	N	Correct
85.03	N	D	Incorrect
84.95	N	N	Correct
84.44	N	N	Correct
83.69	N	D	Incorrect
83.68	N	D	Incorrect
83.16	N	N	Correct
82.63	N	D	Incorrect
82.40	N	D	Incorrect
82.13	N	D	Incorrect
82.10	N	N	Correct
81.89	N	D	Incorrect
81.84	N	N	Correct
81.84	N	N	Correct
81.06	N	D	Incorrect
80.79	N	N	Correct
80.55	N	N	Correct
80.36	N	D	Incorrect
80.28	N	N	Correct
79.51	N	D	Incorrect
79.25	N	N	Correct
79.00	N	N	Correct
78.70	N	D	Incorrect
78.48	N	N	Correct
78.22	N	N	Correct
78.21	N	N	Correct
77.96	N	D	Incorrect
77.95	N	D	Incorrect
77.43	N	D	Incorrect
75.90	N	N	Correct
75.13	N	N	Correct
75.01	N	D	Incorrect
74.33	N	N	Correct
72.41	N	D	Incorrect
67.33	N	N	Correct
66.83	N	D	Incorrect
66.55	N	N	Correct
65.75	N	N	Correct
57.99	N	N	Correct
47.20	N	N	Correct
45.77	N	D	Incorrect
44.30	N	N	Correct
44.19	N	D	Incorrect
44.19	N	D	Incorrect
40.42	N	N	Correct
38.09	N	N	Correct
38.09	N	N	Correct
38.09	N	N	Correct
36.30	N	D	Incorrect
32.64	N	N	Correct

Even in the best case scenario, you’d only be right 53.3% of the time. “Just guessing” or flipping a coin would get you that type of answer.

This example illustrates just one of the problems that can occur when crying to catch liars based on significant differences in nonverbal behavior. And decades of research on detecting deception reveals a very similar pattern of results. Significant differences between truth tellers and liars are identified. Training programs are created. Testing shows only modest gains in people’s ability to detect deception. In fact, most studies on detecting deception show that people are not very good at it – the accuracy rate is usually around 50 to 60%.

Personally, I believe the main problem underlying research on detecting deception is due to the fact that significant differences do not necessarily identify diagnostic differences.

For the most part, nonverbal cues associated with deception, can only be seen when looking at group averages, not specific individuals.

The Problem with Polyamory

2006-12-08T15:43:00.000-06:00

I suspect that most people, in their heart of hearts, are "polyamoralists." That is, they are capable of loving more than one person at a time.

If your curious, here are some sites that explain "polyamory" in detail:

But, what's interesting to me is that while most people cringe at the idea of polyamory, myself included, many people secretly practice key elements of it.

In fact, if the figures on sexual and emotional infidelity are correct, then it seems that many people unknowingly participate in a critical aspect of polyamory. A "pseudo" polyamory, in the sense, that they experience love for more than one person, but they attempt to hide it. A true polyamoralist is honest and open about his/her feelings and desires.

Why do so many people only practice the more scandalous part of polyamory; that is, the sexual and emotional aspect of loving more than one person?

Because love and sex are full of double standards due to competing interests. What's good for me when it comes to dating, is not necessarily good for me to date. So, while everyone may have some polyamoralist tendencies, few people want to be involved with someone like that.

An Affair - Whose Obligation To Keep Quiet?

2006-12-08T08:21:00.000-06:00

A court in the UK has granted a public figure a temporary right to privacy to prevent his adultery from being aired in public. The adulterer claims that public knowledge of his actions would harm his wife and children.

So, what starts out as a rather typical story of love and betrayal, suddenly takes a new twist. Two people cheat on their spouses. One of the aggrieved spouses, who wants to seek revenge by exposing the affair in public, is temporary prevented from doing so, in order to protect the other aggrieved spouse from suffering more harm.

In a nutshell, the complicated story goes something like this: You cheated with my wife and now I have to help keep it a secret because if your actions became public, it may hurt your own wife and children. And of course there is always another way of looking at this. You cheated with my wife and now I want to expose my own wife’s infidelity in order to cause your family harm.

What's worse? Someone who cheats or someone who wants to expose cheating out of spite?

The full story can be found here.

And here's a related story about a scorned wife who chose to expose her husband's affair on a billboard advertisement.

Camouflage

2006-12-07T12:01:00.000-06:00

The art of hiding in plain sight.

The other day, I wrote a post about mimicry – the attempt to appear as someone or something we are not.

Camouflage is another basic form which deception can take. Camouflage is also widely used across a variety of species. Unlike mimicry, camouflage involves an attempt not to be recognized or be seen. It is an attempt to blend into one’s surroundings – to go unnoticed.

And as luck would have it, today I ran across an ad for Schott’s Almanac, which contains a section closely related to camouflage in social interaction. Their take is a little different, however, in that Schott’s Almanac offers advice on how not to recognize someone you know in passing, referred to as “The Cut.”

But, their advice on how not to recognize someone, also seemed to be applicable to not being recognized. So, I thought I would embellish upon some of their “Cuts” and add one of my own -“The Cut Inanimate.”

The Direct Cut – directly stare at the other person, but without giving any hint of recognition. A high risk move, which only the best can pull off. It is probably wise to use this strategy as a last resort, in tight, confined spaces and when one has already been spotted.

The Cut Indirect – look the other way and pretend that you never saw the acquaintance. Slow, natural movements are advised. And it helps if the direction you glance toward actually has something of interest to look at. Avoid the temptation to glimpse back over at the other person to see if he or she is still there.

The Cut Sublime – use an object of some sort to distract one’s attention away from having to acknowledge the other person. Looking at one’s watch, picking-up almost any object, or pretending to use one’s cell phone will usually suffice. Based on person experience, however, if using a cell phone, it helps if it doesn’t ring while pretending to talk on it.

The Cut Inanimate – pretend not to be alive. Break eye contact, put on a blank face, decrease breathing, stop all body movements, and patiently wait for the encounter to pass. This strategy happens to be used quite frequently by the students in my classes.

Some Relationships Are Better at a Distance

2006-12-05T13:04:00.000-06:00

A new study published this month by Laura Stafford shows that not all long-distance relationships can survive when couples move closer to each other. Over one third of the long-distance couples who were reunited did not survive being together past the three month mark.

To be fair though, long-distance couples who remain geographically separated were just as likely to break-up during the same period of time.

But, what were some of the problems these couples faced as they transitioned from a long-distance to a short-distance relationship?

The realization that their boyfriend or girlfriend is annoying in someway – lazy, sloppy, immature. And ironically, some people discovered that their formerly geographically-distance boyfriend/girlfriend had now become emotionally-distant.
The loss of freedom and privacy. Many people felt that they were no longer free to do as they pleased. They had to constantly check-in with their partners and they had less time for themselves, their friends, and their family.
Fighting and conflict became more common. Conflicts were harder to avoid and they became more difficult to resolve.
Increased jealousy and suspicion. For some people, seeing how their boyfriend or girlfriend behaved around others raised the idea that their partner might be the type of person who was likely to cheat.

Of course, there were also some positive outcomes as well. Many people were happy to have more time to spend together and they felt that living closer to each other gave them the opportunity to become more serious as a couple.

But, couples who broke-up, as compared to those who stayed together, were more likely to miss the benefits that a long-distance relationship can provide: a focus on quality time, a sense of freedom, and the excitement and novelty that comes by only being together once-in-a-while.

Mimicry

2006-12-04T13:42:00.001-06:00

I love watching people.

And luckily for me, I'm not too bothered by hypocrisy. Because, after all, everyone is hypocrite (myself included), which makes people watching all the more entertaining.

I am often amused by how people have such a difficult time acknowledging the truth about what they are doing.

When I mention that I study deception, most people give the standard response - "I hate deception" or "I never lie." But, how people manage to say this without reflecting on their own behavior makes me wonder.

We are surrounded by deception. Deception takes on so many different shapes and forms that it's impossible to escape.

At its most basic level, animals engage in deception through the use of mimicry. Mimicry involves taking on the appearance of another in order to avoid punishment or seek rewards (also see, camouflage).

And there are many instances of the use of mimicry throughout the animal kingdom.

Mimicry always involves some type of deception because it consists of changing one's appearance away from what is true. In short, mimicry involves trying to take on the appearance of someone or something you are NOT.

And examples of human mimicry are abundant - from the use of cosmetics to create a more youthful appearance, to the wearing of fake watches, to the use of phony smiles to help people get their way.

If you look at life this way, much of what we do is designed to create a false impression - to mimic, fool and mislead.

winter

2006-12-02T10:41:00.000-06:00

Detecting Deception

2006-12-01T11:20:00.001-06:00

One of the reasons I started this blog is out of frustration.

There happens to be a lot of misinformation on the web about how to detect deception. Don't get me wrong, there also happens to be a lot of useful information on the subject as well.

But as someone who has followed this issue for over a decade, it is somewhat troubling that the more questionable advice is often the easiest to find.

For example, one of the most popular sites offering advice about detecting deception contains many inaccuracies.

In fact, the first three tips for detecting deception by Blifaloo.com are just plain wrong.

decreased body movements
the lack of eye contact
increased facial touching, decreased touching of the chest/heart...

None of these statements are true.

Nonverbal cues of deception depend on the personality of the liar, the nature of the lie being told, and the context or setting in which the lie happens.

Some people gesture more when lying; some people gesture less. Eye contact does not necessarily change when lying or telling the truth. And increased facial touching also depends on the context.

There is NOT a consistent set of clues that can be applied across any given situation. It simply doesn't work that way.

A much better rule of thumb is to look for an inconsistency in a person's behavior.

Does a person's nonverbal behavior seem inconsistent with his or her normal behavior or with what is being said?

But, even this advice is probably of little use to most people (explained below).

One more example of the type of bad advice that's being offer - again, on another page at Blifaloo.com. This time the advice deals specifically with eye movement and lying.

Does a person look up to the left?
Down to the right?
and so on....

Again, this advice is based on myth, not scientific evidence.

In fact, one of the primary researchers, who is involved with eye-movement research (NLP, as it is called), actually has the following advice to offer when asked questions about eye-movement, lying and detecting deception:

"But so far as I know, there's no absolute way to know if someone's lying. Human beings are far too complex for our current understanding to give definite results."

And a real human lie detector, has the following to say about watching eye contact:

"Please, please, please - if you are judging someone by their eyes alone - Stop!!"

So, what sites offer better advice and information on how to detect deception?

Detecting Deception - A report by the American Psychological Association.
Detecting Liars - Science News article on the subject.
Detecting Deception In Romantic Relationships - TruthAboutDeception.com
How to Detect Deception - Article from WebMd.com
Ten Ways to Detect Lie - Article at Forbes.com
Detecting Deception - Review of Research - Article from Psych Central.

None of these sites, however, offers a simple technique for detecting deception. For the most part, these sites acknowledge just how difficult it can be to catch a liar.

Finally, there is little evidence to suggest that people can be taught to detect deception in any meaningful way.

It appears that detecting deception is a skill that only a few people have. A skill held by a very small set of human lie detectors.

Suspicious Phone Calls Can Raise Questions

2006-11-30T09:05:00.000-06:00

Many cheating spouses often get caught because of suspicious phone call activity.

It can be very difficult for a cheating spouse to connect with his or her lover without raising some questions.

In many cases, an unsuspecting husband or wife starts to become suspicious when:

too many calls from the same number suddenly appear on a phone bill
there are an unusual amount of hang-ups
there are too many late night, work-related calls
a spouse starts turning his or her cell phone off when at home

Several new services, however, now make it easier for cheating lovers to keep in touch with each other:

These phone service companies allow users to create a private phone number where messages can be left - making it possible to keep one's real phone number out of the hands of a lover.

I guess this just goes to show how technology constantly changes the ways in which people conduct their affairs.

Reading Other People's Eyes

2006-11-29T17:39:00.000-06:00

Thanks to the viewer who pointed me to an online version of Simon Baron-Cohen's "reading eye test."

The "reading eye test" is designed to assess how well you can empathize with others - a key characteristic in being able to read other people's emotions and intentions.

The online version, which can be found here, is a little long. It takes about ten minutes to complete. But, it may give you a pretty good idea about how well you can read other people.

Dangers of Online Cheating

2006-11-29T13:53:00.000-06:00

A Pepsi executive met someone online who later threatened to tell his wife, unless, of course, he was willing to pay a $125,000 to keep his extramarital activities secret... Read the full story at the Smoking Gun or the NYPost.

This makes me wonder about the stories we don't hear about....

Report on Lying and Cheating By Youth and Adolescents

2006-11-29T05:28:00.000-06:00

I thought I’d post some survey results, of 36,000 students, published by the Josephson Institute of Ethics, on lying and cheating by American youth and adolescents (the actual data can be found here).

I think these results are so interesting because they highlight what most social psychologists know - the values and beliefs that people express actually have little bearing on people’s behavior.

Percentage of students who believe that trust and honesty are essential:

98.0 (Middle School)
97.7 (High School)

But, how do these same students actually behave?

Percentage of students who lied to a parent in the last year about something significant:

77.4 (Middle School)
81.2 (High School)

Percentage of students who lied to a teacher in the last year about something significant:

52.6 (Middle School)
62.0 (High School)

Percentage of students who copied a document off the internet and passed it in as an assignment:

23.8 (Middle School)
32.9 (High School)

Percentage of students who cheated on a test in the last year:

37.7 (Middle School)
60.2 (High School)

Percentage of students who stole from a parent or relative in the last year:

22.0 (Middle School)
23.0 (High School)

Unfortunately, I believe that these results probably underestimate the amount of actual lying and cheating that goes on because people have a tendency to under report negative behavior.

And even without the problem of underreporting, the results tend to reinforce the idea that it’s usually wise to ignore what people say and it’s more informative to watch what they do.

favorite place

2006-11-29T00:39:00.000-06:00

The Dilemma of Sex

2006-11-27T19:49:00.000-06:00

Sex is very important in a romantic relationship. In fact, being happy with one’s sex life is directly linked to having a healthy relationship.

For most couples, their sex life is a very good indicator of how things are going in their relationship. And of course, the lack of sexual activity should raise some warning flags.

But, the problem with sex is that even in the best of circumstances couples have less sex over the course of time.

Sexual activity involves many different components – including emotional intimacy, physical arousal, and the thrill of excitement. And while sex with the same partner can become more emotionally enriching, it’s nearly impossible to maintain a high level of thrill seeking as the years go on.

In fact, it’s hard to maintain a high level of stimulation when any task becomes normative. This phenomenon is very widespread, but it’s probably the easiest to in its extreme form – that is, with any type of addictive behavior. Addicts always need more stimulation in order to achieve the same “high” – whether it involves drugs, alcohol, exercise, gambling or whatever. Essentially, more is never enough.

So, while repeated sexual activity may deepen an emotional connection between two people, it tends to put a damper on the level of excitement that can be achieved. And this is where a problem can emerge. For some people, a high level of excitement is very rewarding. Some people are tempted to cheat not because of any problem in their relationship, but simply because cheating helps certain individuals satisfy their need for excitement.

I am not trying to make excuses for anyone’s behavior, but I am merely trying to provide an explanation for one type of cheating: Cheating which is fueled by excitement and thrill seeking. This is also known as the Coolidge Effect.

Investigate Before You Date?

2006-11-27T13:33:00.000-06:00

"Don’t Date Him Girl," "Unfaithful People," "Cheaters Hall of Shame…" you name it….

Almost every week a new website emerges with the sole purpose of identifying a cheating spouse or lover. The intended goal of these sites is to create a database of cheaters in order to prevent other people from becoming a victim of infidelity.

I guess the idea behind these websites goes something like this: You meet someone new who happens to capture your interest, so you decided to check his or her relational history online, and depending on what you discover you either follow your heart or you abandon your romantic intentions and move on to someone else.

While the idea is appealing, does it really work? I have my doubts.

To begin with, creating a database of cheaters is problematic simply because too many people cheat. If the estimates are correct, it’s safe to assume that half the population may cheat at one time or another. So, for a database to be somewhat accurate, it will have to list millions of people. But, if most people are listed, how useful does that information become? As a general rule, information is most useful when it identifies a small and defined group of people. When information applies to too many people, it becomes less informative because it doesn’t help people make decisions. If most of the people you are interested in dating have cheated at one time or another, how do you decide who to date?

Related to the point above, not only do too many people cheat, but there are too many databases currently in existence. Given the hundreds of databases that exist, and that these databases do not share the names of cheaters with each other, to do a thorough search requires extensive time and effort. Just trying to identify all of the databases that exist can take the better part of a day. Not to mention the fact that registration is often required before a search for a cheater can even be done. When you think about it, who has all of the time and effort required to conduct even a minimal check?

Another problem with these sites is the tone they take. For the most part, these sites come across as being vindictive in nature. Despite the fact that these sites claim that they are trying to prevent others from getting hurt, more often than not, these sites come across as little more than an opportunity for an ex-lover to settle a score. And when people encounter comments and claims made out of spite, they tend to discount what’s said. After all, who hasn’t been hurt by an ex-lover? And who really takes heed of what an ex-lover has to say? People assume that ex-lovers are biased and that they only present one side of the story.

Finally, these sites don’t really take into account the most basic tenet of human nature: Love is based on faith, hope and promise - not facts. When romance is involved, people are blind to the truth. After all, even convicted serial murders receive marriage proposals. I suspect that websites designed to identify cheaters, will have little impact on people’s decision-making when it comes to love and romance. Why? the promise of love will always trump information, logic and reason.

I don’t want to come across as being too critical. I believe that these websites serve a purpose; it’s just not the purpose they claim to serve. In their proper perspective, these sites can be entertaining to read and they can provide a place for an ex-lover to vent about things that went wrong. As long as liable isn’t being committed, I don’t see any harm being done. I just don’t see much value in them either.

Human Lie Detectors

2006-11-24T13:11:00.000-06:00

As I've mentioned in previous posts, it's extremely difficult to tell when someone is lying. On the other hand, almost everyone likes to think that they can detect deception.

So, if you're like most people, you probably don't realize how often people lie to you and get away with it.

In fact, in some of the most interesting research on the topic, Maureen O'Sullivan, a professor at the University of San Francisco, shows that fewer than 1 in 500 people can detect deception with any degree of accuracy. To date, only a handful of people, out of thousands tested, can tell when someone is lying by watching their body language or their nonverbal behavior (MSNBC and BBC reports).

According to the reports of this research, these "wizards," as they are called, do not focus on any single nonverbal cue (probably because there isn't a consistent set of clues), but rather these wizards are highly motivated to figure out what's going on in social situations and they also happen to be really good at reading people. For the most part, these wizards rely on their intuition and feelings when trying to detect deception (MSNBC and BBC reports).

One of the "truth wizards" identify by Professor O'Sullivan has started her own blog where she comments on events and news stories of the day. It's definitely a cool site and something to check out if you have any interest in understanding lying and deception.

But for me, the most puzzling aspect of this story is not that only a few people can really detect deception, but how little coverage this issue gets in the popular press. Almost weekly I discover a new article describing how to catch a liar. Without fail, the advice given contradicts what the literature shows.

I guess most people would rather be given bad advice on how to improve skills they do not possess, rather than acknowledge the truth: Few people have "the gift" when it comes to detecting deception.

thanksgiving

2006-11-22T17:01:00.000-06:00

Stolen Content

2006-11-22T15:02:00.000-06:00

As far as blogs go, this one's brand new. It's really not been around that long, but already someone has stolen much of my writing and tried to pass it off as their own.

As far as I know, this is the first time someone has stolen my work, and I am surprised by how much it upsets me.

For starters, I'm kinda of amazed that someone would actually lie and cheat in order to say something about lying and cheating. It's hard to imagine how the person, who did it, didn't think about what they were doing while they were doing it.

And even though I study lying and cheating, I'm somewhat shocked by my own reaction to it. I find it somewhat ironic that even someone, who has a healthy cynical side, doesn't really expect cynical things to happen.

But, perhaps my reaction helps explain why betrayal always hurts no matter what the circumstance. Maybe betrayal always comes as a surprise because, deep down, no one really wants to anticipate that someone else would do them wrong.

Top Ten Signs of Cheating

2006-11-21T15:53:00.000-06:00

People tend to be curious about the signs of a cheating spouse.

So, it may come as no surprise, that there are hundreds, if not thousands, of lists claiming to identify the warning signs of an unfaithful husband or wife.

So, rather than create another list, I'd thought I'd try to highlight a few of the lists that already exist.

In doing so, I've tried to come with a diverse set of lists. Some of them are based on practical experience, some come from professional investigators, and some are based on the psychology of cheating and infidelity.

But, no matter what list you use, it helps to keep the following in mind: These lists identify POTENTIAL cues of infidelity, not the real thing.

And it's all too easy to fall into the trap of letting your perceptions get the best of you. But, if your spouse is really cheating, a list of clues isn't going to help you solve that problem. If anything, reading these lists is only likely to make you more suspicious and less trusting.

Top Ten Lists of the Warning Signs of Cheating:

Associated Content - 7 Signs of a Cheating Partner
iVillage - 32 Signs of Emotional Cheating
TruthAboutDeception.Com - An Interactive List of the Signs of Cheating
About.com - 5 Warning Signs of a Cheating Spouse
24.com - 23 Telltale Signs of Infidelity
AskMen.Com - 8 Signs that She's Cheating
Investigator Bob Brown's - 14 Indicators of Infidelity
Advanced Surveillance Group - 22 Signs of Cheating and Infidelity
77Investigators.com - 28 Warning Signs of a Cheating Spouse
True U Magazine - 7 Signs of a Cheating Partner

What Is She Really Thinking...

2006-11-21T15:22:00.000-06:00

... reading true wife confessions might give you a clue.

Do We Really Want To Know The Truth?

2006-11-21T14:25:00.000-06:00

Everyone says that they want their partners to always tell them the truth, but is that really the case?

In my opinion, sentiments about always telling the truth in romantic relationships tend to be based more on self-deception than reflective thought.

When it comes to telling the truth in a romantic relationship, the truth cuts both ways. The truth can bring people closer together and it can push people further apart.

Telling the truth is important because it creates understanding, intimacy and closeness.

But, telling the truth has its limits.

To begin with, couples don't always see eye-to-eye on every issues that comes up. And discussing every difference is annoying and it causes unnecessary conflict. Sometimes pretending to get along is the wisest course of action.

Not only does withholding the truth sometimes help couples avoid unnecessary conflict, but the truth can also be quite harsh. Over the course of a long-term relationship, partners are going to have negative thoughts and feelings about each other. This is just a part of life. And sometimes it pays to keep one's negative feelings to oneself. The truth, once spoken, not only hurts, but it can't be taken back. While negative feelings are often fleeting, expressed negativity can last a lifetime. Unfortunately, partners are much more likely to remember a negative comment than a compliment. When it comes to love and romance, isn't it sometimes better to censor one's thoughts before they are spoken?

And if people are so earnest about hearing the truth, why do they punish others for being honest? Most people, when told an unpleasant truth, react poorly - ranging from the silent treatment to a much more aggressive reaction. As a general rule, such punishment is used to teach people the following lesson: Don't do that to me again. As you can see, a paradox quickly emerges. People say they want to know the truth, but their actions suggest just the opposite.

So, when a partner says "I always want to know the truth," that's most likely anything but true.

Too Much Time On Your Hands

2006-11-21T00:01:00.000-06:00

I stumbled upon this site tonight... and I'll keep adding to the list as I find more.

But really. Who has the free time to do this kinda stuff?

Even if I had all of the free time in the world, I'm pretty sure that this isn't how I'd spend it.

viva la difference

Rules About Love

2006-11-20T15:41:00.000-06:00

Relationships are never easy and in many ways we make them more difficult than they need to be.

In my opinion, much of the sadness we experience in our relationships stems from our desire to overlook what's obvious about people, love and romance.

So I thought I'd create of list "Rules About Love" and update as things come to mind.

Rule #1 - People Do What They Find Rewarding and There is Little You Can Do To Change That

People are driven by their emotions to seek rewards. In other words, if a person finds an activity enjoyable, he or she will try to do it again. If your girlfriend enjoys talking to her ex, she will continue to talk to him. Or if your husband enjoys spending his free time with friends, he'll try to keep doing it.

And there is little you can do to change what a person finds enjoyable. While you can ask a partner to change his or her ways, you can't change a partner's underlying desires. At the end of the day, trying to limit a partner's actions doesn't really solve the problem, it just takes away from a partner's enjoyment in life.

Rule #2 - People Rarely Understand Their Own Behavior

Strangely enough, the mind allows a person to make decisions without being aware of his or her motivations and desires. But, if you ask someone why they do the things they do, most of the time you'll get an answer. The answer, however, usually has little to do with the truth. People make thousands of decisions everyday with little awareness of what they are doing. So, if you want to get a feel for what's going on, it helps to ignore what partners might say, rather watch what they do. Consistently watching a partner's behavior tends to be more revealing than listening to the explanations which are given.

Rule #3 - Most Relationships Don't Fail - They Probably Never Had the Potential To Succeed

Most relationships are doomed from the start by people making poor choices when it comes to picking a partner. And people make poor decisions for a variety of reasons: insecurity, fear of being alone, lack of experience, getting carried away by excitement and passion, thinking that love is enough to make things work, etc.

Ultimately, relationships work the best when people find a companion - someone they enjoy spending their time with. A partnership which is based on mutual respect, equality, and a genuine sense of appreciation. Usually, it takes a lot of mistakes before people learn that the things which draw people together at the start of a relationship, are usually not enough to keep people together over the course of time.

Rule #4 - People Have Different Needs for Intimacy and Closeness

Rarely, are people exactly alike when it comes to needing attention, closeness and intimacy. Some people require constant reassurance and attention, while other people actually prefer their independence, their autonomy and they need a lot of free time (particularly, time spent away from their partners). When couples are terribly mismatched, this can cause a lot of problems. One person is constantly trying to get closer while other is constantly trying to pull away. One person feels hurt, unloved and neglected while the other person feels like they are being constrained, trapped and suffocated.

And even when two people get together, people who are more similar with respect to their relational needs, things can change over time. Our needs for intimacy and closeness can sometimes change on a daily basis. Some days we might want to feel close and connected, and at other times we can find ourselves needing some freedom and space.

So, it often helps to realize that a partner's needs can sometimes be very different from our own needs. And more often than not, these differences have nothing to do with the relationship, it's just the way things are.

Rule #5 - Effective Communication Is Important, But Not all Problems Can Be Talked Away

Communication is a problem for many couples. But, learning how to communicate more effectively won't solve every relational problem that couples face. Many of the issues that come up cannot be solved no matter how effectively people learn to talk to each other. For instance, incompatibility or a genuine dislike of a partner are not going to disappear because people acquire new ways of talking. In fact, if such problems exist, better communication skills may make people more aware that these problems can't be solved.

uplifting

2006-11-19T10:23:00.000-06:00

When It Comes to Love, Does One Size Fit All?

2006-11-17T17:16:00.000-06:00

When people find out that I study deception and close relationships, in some form or another, most people get around to asking, "why do lovers lie?"

Besides the usual answer, that lying is driven by a conflict of interest, part of me also believes that there is a much larger issue involved. An issue, which can sometimes be hard to discuss with people in a face-to-face setting.

Is it possible that not everyone belongs in a romantic relationship?

In the past, marriage was not always tied to romantic love. Marriage was more practical in nature, designed for raising families. I'm not saying that couples didn't have genuine feelings and affection for each other, but notions of love and romance were tempered by reality.

Current day notions of love and romance, by comparison, tend to go to the other extreme. Most people now believe that love is supposed to be based on complete honesty, undying passion, and an all-encompassing view of emotional closeness. People often talk about finding their soul mate who will complete them. And it almost goes without saying - everyone expects their partners to be faithful.

All of this begs the question: Have we somehow set the standards so high that everyone falls short?

While many people have fallen for the idea of perfect love, few couples can make it work in the long run. For many people their relationships are filled with half-truths, fading passion and emotional distance.

Quite frankly, I believe that many people are simply not well-suited for the demands of a modern-day relationship. Not only have we set our expectations as high as possible, but many people have personality characteristics which make it difficult for them to be emotionally intimate with a romantic partner.

Yet, despite the fact that many people are poor candidates for romantic love, people feel pressured to fit the norm - to fit into our current version of love and romance.

Ironically, our pursuit of ideal love tends to produce results which are far from ideal: Our quest for perfect love causes much heartache, anguish and pain. When things don't go exactly according to plan, people are left feeling inadequate, disappointed and they start questioning themselves - "How and why did this happen to me? Why can't I make love work?"

Again, could the answer be as simple as this - not everyone belongs in a modern-day romantic relationship?

Ultimately, I believe that much of the lying and cheating that occurs in our close relationships is caused by couples setting unrealistic expectations, which they can never meet. And by people trying to be someone who they are not.

I also find it somewhat ironic, that Bella DePaulo, one of the leading scholars on lying and deception, is also a leading advocate for "singlehood."

Perhaps Bella knows something the rest of are still trying to figure out.

Why People Lie

2006-11-17T14:50:00.000-06:00

As a general rule, lying is driven by a conflict of interest.

All close relationships are marked by both collaboration and competition. Collaboration, in the sense that two people share the same values, goals and interests.

And of course, competition, or conflict, is present in every relationship as well. No two people are always in complete agreement with each other.

During collaborative moments, telling the truth is easy and it also happens to be the wise thing to do. There is very little reason to hide things from a partner when two people are working toward the same goal.

In fact, being honest actually makes collaboration easier to achieve. For instance, when trying to cook dinner with a spouse, there is little incentive to lie about what’s going on (i.e., like saying “Ok, I’ll peel the tomatoes” when in fact, you won’t). Again, lying in such situations only works against one’s own self-interest (i.e., dinner takes much longer to prepare).

On the other hand, in situations where there is an actual conflict of interest, a situation where two people want different things, then deception is much more likely to occur.

For instance, imagine that your partner wants you to help around the house on the weekend, but you have a chance to do something much more appealing.

Of course, you can always tell the truth in such situations. But when telling the truth is likely to result in the loss of freedom, or increased conflict, or disapproval or even punishment, then people are more likely to lie.

Simply put, people lie in order to avoid negative outcomes when pursuing goals which run counter to their partner’s wishes.

Caught on Video

2006-11-16T15:56:00.000-06:00

Women caught on video confronting her husband about infidelity.

Tracking a Spouse Using GPS Technology

2006-11-15T23:35:00.002-06:00

Sometimes relationships remind me of a game of cat-and-mouse.

As cheating spouses rely on technology such as instant messaging, text messaging, private phone numbers, and online services to help facilitate an affair, suspicious spouses fight back with computer monitoring software, keyloggers, hidden gps devices, and more recently, cell phone tracking services.

Yes, you can now track a spouse's movements through their cell phone.

Unfortunately, as Robert Sullivan discovered, in this high-tech game of cat-and-mouse, the mouse usually catches a break.

Robert Sullivan was convicted of illegally using a GPS device to track his ex-wife's movements.

While it's not illegal to use technology to help facilitate an affair, more often than not, it is illegal to use technology to monitor a spouse's activities without his or her consent (see, gps tracking cheating spouse).

Need an Alibi?

2006-11-15T18:46:00.000-06:00

A cheater's worse fear is getting caught. So, more often than not, cheating spouses rely on their coworkers, friends, and sometimes even their family to help cover their tracks.

But why put other people in such a bind, when for a mere $75 you can have the folks over at the Alibi Network help you hide your affair?