Jan 11, 2007

Late Life Divorce

Increased health, more disposable income, living longer, and increased expectations for happiness... has spurned a new trend: The late life divorce.

Deirdre Blair's new book, "Calling It Quits: Late Life Divorce and Starting Over," explores why people are increasingly getting a divorce after decades of marriage.

Infidelity, falling out of love, and growing apart are just a few of the reasons why couples are increasingly calling it quits as they approach their golden years.

More details on this growing trend can be found in an article in the Hartfort Courant and an AARP report on divorce.


Anonymous said...

At 56 years old, 30 years married, 5 daughters, grandchildren, post-grad degree, and cut low by a chronic autoimmune illness (characterized by husband as my "deciding to go crazy"), I was lured to husband's office to repair a computer. However, I was met by a process server handing me dissolution papers and a restraining order; tossed out of my home, fired from my job (husband and I worked together in his litigation practice), and my historically robust health down the drain.
That was 18 months ago and I continue to find myself asking, "Who is this person?" "How did this happen?" "Have my heretofore keen perceptions been erroneous or self-deceptive?" "What do I do now?"
In short, I'm looking for a way out of the (what feels like) trauma of betrayal. Quick and dirty process preferred. ;~)

Anonymous said...

Seriously considering a divorce after 30 years of marriage and thirty years of lies. I feel I don't even know who this man is because of his lies and manipulations. The only things I know for sure is he can sing, dance and has a penis. Everything else is in doubt. I have built a home in Mexico and we had planned to retire here. He has just retired and will be joining me, lies and all. Just got my first old age security cheque and am wondering if being alone in my final years is better than a continued life with a habitual lier? I think it is only pride that has kept me in this so far and the fact that our religion believes in eternal marriages. Right now I can hardly stand the thought of a decade more of his lies let alone an eternity. How is it the older I get the less I know for sure. Help.

Anonymous said...

My husband and I were married for 26 years, separated in April 2015 and are currently seeking divorce. we have a 15 year old daughter is living in the family home with her Dad. We thought we had a pretty good marriage but then I got back in touch with someone I had known as a teenager and after 2 years of talking I started to realise that I had more in common with this person than my husband. It made me question everything about my life. my husband was convinced I was going through the menopause I am 48 now but it wasn't that. I started to realise that I wanted more, the big house, holidays and fancy life style just wasn't doing it for me. I had lost the real me and been down trodden for too many years. I realise life isn't all hippy dippy love and hearts but since I left I am so much happier. The only sadness is not seeing my daughter every day but I only live a couple minutes down the road and see her often. Life is too short to be unhappy. My new relationship is a distance one, who knows if it will work out. the early signs are good and we are great together but how we sort out combining our lives is tricky at the moment. all I know is it was the right thing to do for me. don't spend your life worrying about how others will be it is YOUR life and only you can live it.

dennis bonville said...

I'm kind of dealing with the same. I may not have 30 years of marriage but I did believe everything she said. We have three children 13 years of marriage and she just up and leaves one day.. We were inseparable for all them years every second of everyday we spent together. She was my best friend as I was hers. She told me marriage is for ever and how in love with me she was even after all these years. Next day she's gone tried taking our six year old daughter with her allegedly new found boyfriend.. Don't understand its been three months and I still don't have a clue as to what happened or why.. I believed everything she told me. How foolish of me. Never again will I trust they way I trusted her..

Anonymous said...

I caught my wife cheating, (in bed) after 22 years of marriage. Been having affair with the boss at least a year, she left me.we have 2 boys 13 & 19
I moved out. I was very bitter and angry. I knew I could not live life like that so I emailed her and explained that we need to be kind & respectful to each other in front of the boys in order to protect them.I will never tell them about her, you see Its still there Mom.For her and her new boyfriend they are selfish, no character and anything else you could think of but for now my goal is to get rid of all the bitterNess I have in my heart towards them.I asked my self why destroy my life for 2 selfish people. God gave all of us a Journey Its up to us to make the best of it .Life is to short. Stay strong and enjoy the journey .

Charlie said...

Your story is so like mine. I'm just now considering leaving my hisband of 28 years. I'm not the woman I was then. I have 3 degrees and I'm a published writer. I can't bear the hurt I'm going to cause but I'm so unhappy.

Alfred Trejo said...

My wife left me after 34 yrs. Shed been talking and texting her boyfriend of 36 yrs ago. While telling me she loved me and would never leave. Seems to be no end to the feeling of betrayal and hurt

Unknown said...

I'm going through this, 28 years of marriage. Except I have not and never would cheat on my husband. We've grown apart. He doesn't want a divorce but we're not happy. It's been 10 years like this. I'm miserable and I cry almost everyday. I'm lonely. However I don't want to hurt everyone else my leaving would cause. We have no children together however we have 5 adult kids who were all 8 years old and under when we met. We have 13 grandkids. I'm 54 and a homemaker. We raise our Scared to leave but so so unhappy and feel how can I go through what's left of my life like this. We have guardianship of our 16 year old granddaughter since she was 6 and have given her the only stability she's known. I have no love for my husband but don't want to hurt anyone.

Anonymous said...

Oh.. My i feel for you. I am married for 44 yrs and have come to hate every moment of it!! I left my first husband for this one in 1972 , i thought he was my life my soul mate. What a big mistake, he turned out to be a liar and a cheat. He has a mean streak, he is lazy and watches TV all day. We have a grown son and two grandchildren. Iam thinking, dreaming , about leaving him every day, but financially iam unable to fullfill my dream. I did have a wonderful good paying job i had to leave to raise our son as he ( my husband)was to busy screwing around to help.
Iam also from a different country, and therefor didn't have a support system. Everybody out there, remember if it doesn't feel right or leaves you sad and insecure, get the hell out immidiatley !!!!

Anonymous said...

My heart feels everybody's pain and loss on thos blog. I have been married for 20 years and 2 years out of 20 we have been separated. We have 3 children 1 under 18. My husband makes good money. I took on a job shortly after seperated as a waitress. My dream has always been to have my own Baker. He has shot down every opportunity non supportive emotionally. I know we don't have a future anymore
He has been a liar, a cheat, lazy, selfish narcissistic husband. At times I felt he was driving me crazy. In 2005 he was divorcing me because he was having an affair. Our children were young. We reconciled 3 months after i was served. I thanked God because I didn't want my children to be around the trash he was attracted too. Things are different now. I am very happy without him. I have a life now. My next step is a divorce and a bakery business. If it is God's will for my life. I am not getting any younger. Life is too short. I pray that my divorce will be quick and not expensive. My funds are limited and I am saving every penny i can for what is ahead to come in my life.
In Christ love

Mimi mals said...

Because all of you frikin sick in the head men and woman marriage is a commitment between ench ather love not disappear in over one minute you have to care and maintenance of your love to ench other .if you do that all of you will be happy no matter what. If all couples will remember the wedding vows you guys will be happy .to all man the pillow is not different from your wife ,to women every blanket is not different from your husband or all of you go to h... period.

Anonymous said...

I've been married for 32 years, four children and the last 7 years my I have never felt this unhappy. My husband has completely changed that I don't even know him anymore.I remember going to see a Therapist ..a long time ago. regarding my family. And we started talking about my husband every session I went seemed to be about him. Then finally my Therapist said to me in a session one day, have you ever read or heard about the old move Gas Light? I said no why? she said because your husband reminds me of this movie and I want you to go buy the book, read it and let me know what you think. Well! I thought this book was written for him. I couldn't believe all the same traits and similarities that fit him to the tee. Then I took a look at myself how beat up, low self-esteem, unhappy my life has been. I was a completely different person than I was 10 years ago. It's just recently I have found myself a lawyer because I don't want to disappoint my children I now my husband played on them also, but they all adore their father and I won't take that away from them. So I have to play this very carefully and timely and whats best for me. But I am almost there. A new beginning.

Anonymous said...

I would like to weigh in, and see if there are any similar situations.

30 years, 1 grown child no longer at home. Not loveless, but certainly not as intimate as we had been. More "roommate than romance". But we both seem willing to accept it?

We have talked over past several years of peers' relationships that have gone separate ways due to various reasons. Again we have talked about it, and it always seems to be, this is better than the alternative.

About 18 months ago, however, I found myself developing a friendship (really!) with a younger MARRIED woman. We had similar interests, and I suppose it became a mutual admiration kind of thing. About 6 months along I realized I HAD stronger feelings and mentioned it to her, even if it was just for a "magic moment" to be with her. I apologize if that seems crass, but maybe for my lack of dating skills, or romantic creativity, there it was.

She indicated that we should only be friends, it turns out she was divorcing, and I (as a married man) would not want to mess with her (and her situation.) We maintained the friendship, however I willingly admit I would find reasons to be with her (in group or 1-on-1 situations). We had about 6 of these "dates" in a 6 month time frame and NOTHING happened...not that I didn't try to sneak a kiss in, but again, NOTHING happened.

About 6 weeks ago, it was confirmed (by the red roses at her desk) that she was moving on. I took it pretty hard, as looking back I realize I had been trying to move our friendship to the next level. We talked initially about it, and she advised (psychology background and all) that I had created a "fantasy friendship", had no right to expect that, and should not mess up my family, etc.

I haven't forgotten about my wife, don't worry...it affected my sleep for about a month, I lost weight, and I explained it to my wife as a mid-life kind of thing...which in a way is true!

My wife and I have talked about where we are, and I call it (without telling her about this specific involvement) trying to re-define out Passion.

As noted on many of these posts/etc, my wife and I have discussed (through this) that we DON'T have a lot in common. She is accepting of me doing my "thing" but also agrees that we want to figure out "what is next?"

Now I realize all this may make me sound like a MAJOR sleazeball, etc, and while you can argue the "thought" is as guilty as the "act" I do feel there is something to be said for NOT crossing that line.

Realizing that my friend had no interest in me romantically, combined with that middle aged thing, and my wife and I BOTH feeling a lack of PASSION - about many things...

I guess the lingering question is DO we still stay together, just to stay together, or can we do something to re-ignite that passion within us...dormant as it may have been for 10 years?? Thanks for the vent!

Anonymous said...

I'd like to point out that whom ever Mimi mals is he\she is a complete idiot,Head in sand, ignorant as all get go person. If you have no support to add don't leave a comment. That said any advise on how to leave a marriage with only the clothes in your back. Husband drained me if all $$. I believed him when he said things would get better. Yet he hasn't worked in 2 years and apparently he doesn't want to. I'm tired of being a door mat.